Truly Madly Deeply

I’m about to make an admission that might make, or break the way that you will think about me as a person, and it’s very hard for me to say. Once upon a time, I was in LOVE with Savage Garden. Their music spoke to me in ways I could never express by myself. I saw them live and they were amazing. When I was in my early teens and I was depressed or overwhelmed, I would listen to their music and cry, and 100% relate to what they were saying in their songs.

So when they broke up, I was a little bit upset, and it made me start to think about what happens to the people in Bands or Group when they broke up. In the situation of Savage Garden, Darren Hayes and Daniel Johns they have had varied levels of success. Darren has gone on as a solo artist and song writer, working predominately in the UK. He seems to be having a little bit more success in the UK rather that his home of Australia which is probably why he relocated over there. He has proved that his song writing ability hasn’t wavered and I am still a huge fan of the way that his music soothes me and makes me feel instantly better. Daniel on the other hand stepped out of the spotlight and launched his own Production Company here in Australia where he works with young Aussie Musos.

My question is...not motivated by their success or what they have done since, but what made them decide to split in the first place? Why do MANY great Aussie bands decide to step out of the lime light and split up?

In the case of Savage Garden it seems that Hayes had an urge and desire to expand his career and took on the main face of the duo, promoting the albums in the UK and America while Jones stayed home in Australia. It was Hayes to announced the break up off record in an interview with an Australian journalist, when Jones caught wind of it he shrugged it off as another rumour before later confirming further rumours that he was leaving the duo. Hayes was later quoted saying that the group would never by any chance reunite. He is however still an incredible song writer and his music still speak to me in ways that no one else’s does.

Powderfinger are another iconic Australian band that has recently disbanded, although they claim that it was because they had said all it was that they needed to say with their music thus far. Quote: “We have always maintained that the important factor for us as a group is that our music remains relevant and that we continue to have fresh ideas that inform our new songs. With the completion of our last album, Golden Rule, we feel that we have said all that we want to say as a musical group.
We firmly believe that it is our most complete and satisfying album and can't think of a better way to farewell our fans than with music that we believe in an also with, hopefully, our best tour to date.”

How is it decided that you are no longer relevant, and what is this saying to young Australian bands desperate to make it to the big time. You look at a band like Disturbed and all their success, how long they have been making music for and how relevant they continue to be....and I can’t help but think that this is just a huge cop out. As you age your tastes change and your music will slightly change to reflect that. The best Australian Bands have to look forward to , is to be a slightly exaggerated national success, if they are really lucky they will break the UK market and be able to cater to that audience as well (they love us!). Then hopefully not fizzle out after a few years and continue to have great success.

I really admire people that decide that Music is what they want to do for their lives and they work towards it forever. I really wish I had of followed my dreams of being an actress and a writer, but I really know that it probably wasn’t something I would be able to accomplish, or do for a lifetime. I really needed something sustainable. But I really do wish I had the determination that they did, the drive so succeed and do it the way that they dreamed of and that they wanted to. Makes me proud of the Australian Spirit,

Whatever happened to bands like ACDC, who play and sell out shows and make the same music for their whole career? Those lads were rocking on into their 60's before they disbanded and gave up. Are the Australian bands of today getting soft and complacent? I don’t think so. I mean I know some local bands that go hell for leather at every gig and give it everything they have got. They have had local, state and a little national success, but if I told you their name you would probably have no idea what we are talking about. We need the big and successful Aussie bands to come and MENTOR these up and coming ones. Give them advice on how they succeed and what to do when you get there to continue to make amazing music. How to keep inspiring people with your words and moving people with the determination. So maybe Daniel Jones is onto something..maybe that’s what we need. We can’t continue to think that someone if going to come to your show, who runs a label and signs you up straight away. This rarely happens. All your success has to be made, by YOU!

But I guess relationships change, and people change and sometimes a break up is inevitable, be it because of an artistic difference or a personal difference. Maybe some people, some bands are just better off apart. I still don't like saying goodbye to a duo that wrote music which understood me so well, that I grew with, but ce’la vi...what will be will be...

I’ll find someone else that will take their place, someone younger and more determined!

Whisper in my Ear

We all have a friend that we are able to talk to about anything. They listen to us cry when the world is so heavy we feel like we are going to collapse. They celebrate with us when something amazing happens and they listen to us talk about things that we can never tell anyone else in the world. We love spending time with them and you don’t really appreciate the weight that they hold on their shoulders because of your secrets. What happens if there is a big fight and your secrets are released?

It is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person and it’s very hard to come back from something like that. Depending on the severity of the secret you can potentially lose everything, or the person you love, or your job. The consequences are endless; still there is nothing that we can do about it. Once the secret has passed your lips and traveled to the ears of someone else, the information is pretty hard to keep contained.

We don’t specifically head out trying to find someone to tell these secrets too…sometimes it’s the first person you talk to, because you’re so excited you just can’t hold it in anymore. Sometimes you think about it for a while, judging how your friends would react to the news and chose the one best selected for the information. Sometimes it’s about one friend from another friend…and you play gossip or instigator. You just have to be sure that the person you are telling these things to can handle and appreciate the weight of the information.

Having someone tell your secret is a breach of trust and depending on the weight of the secret you might not ever be able to come back from it. You will sit around wondering why, what did I do, I wish I didn’t say anything. But there is really nothing that you can do but hope and pray that the person holding your personal information doesn’t chose to share it with anyone. I have secrets, and I share them with a small group of friends, ones that I know will probably say something, ones that I know will tell me what I want to hear and ones that will hold it close to their heart and guide me through the problem.

But what have you done to make a trusted friend reveal your darkest secret? In some cases you might have said something to them that they didn’t like or appreciate. In others you might have revealed some information to someone else that will change their perspective of them. In other cases you might have put the interest of someone else over theirs. In any case you have thought about them second and not first.

Maybe you thought that you were doing the right thing and that the information you released was helping someone else through a stage in their life. In any case you probably shouldn’t have released the information at all, and as that person is holding a secret for you, maybe this should have been held for them. It’s a sticky situation and I guess no matter what you do, someone is going to get hurt. If your trust is breached it will be you, if their trust is breached it will be them, if you don’t release information it will be the other person. Either way you are going to do something to hurt someone.

Once its out it can never be taken back, the hurt is there, the betrayal is there, the relationship is no longer easy going and the carefree attitude you once had will be gone forever. The way that we handle these situations is imperative. The things that we say matter. Our actions count. Everyone has been in this situation once or twice.

The key here is, don’t have secrets. If you have done something wrong you should tell the person that you love. If you are hiding something from your employer then you should come clean. If you have heard someone say something about a friend you should call them on it and not let it sit. But that would be a perfect world, and that is not what we live in. Impulse control is what we need. To stop the need to whisper that information into someone’s ear. That way you can be loyal to who you want to be without the fear of repercussions or heartbreak.

They will have a place in your heart forever, and the photos on the wall will remain. The testament of your relationship is the reconciliation and the ability to move past it. Friends will always be family; they will always be there to support and love you. As long as you don’t forget it, and they don’t forget it, you can whisper in their ear as much as you want, without worrying about retaliation. Isn’t that one of the most important parts about being a friend, being able to trust them? Because without trust, you really have nothing left.

Swinging in The Breeze

I have become complacent with life. Too often I just do what I’m told because the effort it takes to disagree is just not worth it. But on the other hand if something is going on that I really truly disagree with, I will make sure that my opinion is heard!

I’m sure that my friends sometimes just agree with me because fighting with me is just not worth it. I get in trouble a lot because I tell them how I feel, not in a mean way, but I think they just feel like I am disrespecting them, but that is not what I am trying to do at all. Most of the time I am just trying to give them some advice on a situation they are in or on something that is going on in their life. Maybe they are just shocked that I said something but I’m pretty sure that is what friendship is about, being honest and trying to help your friends whenever you can.

Recently a lot of people I know are taking the steps that they need to really make a difference in their lives. Whether it is moving, or taking on a whole new career or even just taking on a relationship with someone completely new. It’s really made me think about why people become so complacent with life when they are clearly unhappy with their situation. I get annoyed at people who sook and whinge about how horrible their life is and how they wish things would change for them. But if you aren’t ready to take the necessary steps to change the things that you don't like in your life, do you really expect the people that love you to just sit around and listen to you complain about it and how horrible it is?

Because I won’t, I won’t sit there and listen to you. I will help you 120%, in ANY way I can to change the direction your life is going. I will support you in the changes you will make. I will support you when your endeavours don't succeed, ill be there to help you pick up the pieces and start again, and I will be there with you to celebrate when you succeed.

Don't settle for what life has given you because it’s easy or convenient. There are many people out there who don't have what we have here in Australia. There are people with no running water, no sewerage systems, who don't get to eat every day, who don't have the limbs to exercise, who are born with disabilities, who are diagnosed with a life threatening disease. There are so many people who would kill to be given the skills and the opportunity to have the life that we have. To have one more day with their family, or have an education.

I make this my solemn promise: I will not become complacent with my situation. If there is something about my life that I am unhappy with, I will change it. If I am given an opportunity to grow as a person, I will take it. I will smile or say hello to anyone who makes eye contact with me. I will tell my family that I love them at every opportunity. I will thank everyone for the work they do that day. I will be kind to every Sales Assistant I come across. I will not sook about my money situation or bills anymore.

I want you all to make a promise to me as well. That you will no longer be complacent, that you will no longer just swing in the breeze. Make a promise to yourself, something that you want to change, something that you want to do differently...and make positive steps to change it. You can start small something as simple as being nicer to people every day, or making an effort to work towards training to help you excel in your career.

If you don't live life to the fullest capacity and do everything in your power to grow and develop as a person then you are letting yourself down

A life half lived is a life wasted!

I Must, I Must, I Must Increase My Bust!

My man, is a boob man, plain and simple. I asked him what made him notice me, when we first started going out, and he said “your boobs, all we used to talk about at lunch when you walked past was how big they are” Any chance he has to look at a rack, he will. Any woman that walks past with a nice rack, he will tell me about. I have a fair few friends who are in love with theirs to. Flashing cars, taking photos of them at every opportunity (you know who you are!) or complaining that they are too small.

Then we see these women on TV, in Magazines, in adult movies, with these insanely big, unnatural crazy boobs. We were all born differently, some big, some small, some barely there, some hanging to the knees and I can understand some people need for enhancement. I really can. But I cant say that I really enjoy looking at a fake rack. If they are done properly I can appreciate the human ability to engineer a perfect set of boobs...but then there are the ones that don't move and that people cant feel...i just don't understand it.

But being the owners of these much desired body part definitely have its downsides. Currently 36 women in Australia are diagnosed with breast cancer every day. It is also the most common form of cancer among women, accounting for 28% of all cancer diagnosed in Australia in 2006. It is also projected that by 2015 in Australia, the number of new breast cancer cased among women is estimated to be approximately 15 409 for that year. In 2006, the number of women that died from this horrible disease was 2, 618. But its not just women that suffer from the disease with 25 males also dying from this disease in the same year, however males tend to have poorer outcomes due to delays in diagnosis. The world wide mortality rate was a staggering with 458, 503 deaths. Its just heart breaking.

We all know someone who has been affected by it. There have been a few people in my life that have been hit with breast cancer, a few of my work colleagues, a few family friends and my mum’s best  friend. Its always hard to find out that someone is suffering from this illness, but it is also inspirational to see the change in that person, almost instantly. Immediately the little stuff doesn’t matter anymore, all that matters is getting better and then its living life to the fullest every day. Someone wise once told me that its always a struggle to stop the disease from defining who you are, but you cant let your guard down and you cant get scared, you have to look it in the face and take it on with every breath and every bit of life that you have to pull through on the other side unscathed.

I did a little bit of research for this blog because I felt that I owed it to all the inspirational people that are either going through treatment, or surviving, or the people that are looking down on us with love. I was interested to find that smoking increases your risk of breast cancer, with the greater the amount of smoking and the earlier in life that the smoking begins, the higher the risk. I also read that not having children  or not being able to have children and undergoing hormone therapy can also heighten the chance of being diagnosed.

There isn’t really anything that will prevent  you from getting it, but there are things you can do to lessen the chance of it happening to you. Your risk of being diagnosed can be lessened by exercising, maintaining a healthy weight, drinking less alchocol, quitting smoking, living a physically active life, and breast feeding your children. Sounds pretty simple. But what about the people where their is a genetic risk of contraction? Early detection will always be your greatest prevention device. The earlier it is caught, the earlier is can be fixed.

I don't claim to be a doctor and im not telling you what to do, all of the information that I have put into this can be found through a google search. But I want you all to start thinking about it...the consequences, the stories, the journeys, the organizations fundraising year round for important research and programs to help sufferers.

One of the options with diagnosis is getting them both cut off, effectively removing all breast tissue and reducing the risk of it returning. Although, it wont necessarily stop you from getting cancer in another part of your body. I have a very close personal friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer a little bit before christmas. In our department at work we had another lady diagnosed a week before so it was a bit of a shock to us. She had the breast the cancer was in removed to be sure that they got all of it. She then went through chemotherapy but the treatment wasnt as long as some because they managed to find it early. The treatment was still long and hard, and her spirit through the whole thing was so inspirational. Her desire to be active in life again, and her positive view on everything made me really rethink the way I was dealing with things in my own life. It didnt seam as bad knowing that she was going through what she was.

She then elected to have reconstructive surgery, so that she could feel complete again, and be more comfortable with her body and herself. The way they did this was to make a casing out of muscles in her back for the implant, which sounds insanely painful. This was done initially only to find out that because of the scar tissue over where her breast was removed, the implant that she elected to have would not fit. There were a few complications in surgery which resulted in having to go under twice, infection, drains in her back, longer off work and ending up with one boob bigger than the other. That was about 6 months ago and she recently told me that the doctors have given her the all clear (and she has decided to) undergo further surgery to even out her boobs..for her confidence. She feels that she hasnt really been able to be herself and has been dressing differently and acting differently so that people dont notice. But i love her and i highly value her vision of the world and her confidence. She is an amazing influence and inspiration in my life and is deffinately a mother figure to me. Im not too sure what i would do without her advice.

I was also really close to my mums friend. She was positive and bubbly and and amazing woman. She would light up a room when she walked into it and make everyone feel comfortable. She was diagnosed, and fought, and survived breast cancer. It changed her. Made her live every day to the fullest. She lived for her friends and her family. She was a survivor! She got very close to the 5 year anniversary of her cancer clear when she started slowing down a little bit, doing things and not remembering. Her family finally convinced her to get a scan. She was diagnosed with brain cancer, was sent immediatly to Brisbane for treatment. A quick deterioration meant that we had lost her within the week. It was devistating. She was young and vibrant and beautiful. The world is a sadder place without her. But her legacy lives on with the community groups she voulenteered with and her family that bring nothing but hope and happiness into your lives. Cancer will always touch someone that you love, it might change them, it might take them away, but they will always live on through you, in your day to day life, in your actions. They teach you that life is a gift that is worth living with every inch of your being. You need to give it everything that you have at every opportunity to make it count. I will never forget her.

So with natural chest beauty comes the possibility of illness. With engineered chest beauty comes the possibility of pain, scarring, complications, dodgy surgery, infection. In this instance im not talking about the ladies that opt for a double mastectomy and then chose to have a reconstruction to feel comfortable with themselves and their bodys, or the girls who are less than an A cup and feel that they need this to live a normal life. Nor am i saying that I disagree with implants completely. I just feel as though society has created this ideal for women and if we don't have these gigantic, firm, perfectly sitting boobs then we are less than perfect.

When I first got with Mr Man I was VERY concerned about him seeing me without a bra on. You see with boobs as big as mine, and refusing to support them initially means that I have a subsequent sagging situation, and while it doesn’t mean that they are at my knees, or my bellybutton, they deffinately aren’t sitting where I would like them to be. He assures me that they are perfect  but that didn’t stop my insecurities about the topic.

Its a tricky one, I mean they are MEANT to come in all different sizes, but I was conditioned to believe that bigger and perky was better, when infact it didn’t really matter at all. Makes me cranky that I was hung up for so long on something that really didn’t mean all that much in the long run.

I have talked about, a million different things, all in a huge massive gigantic blur, but I guess I just wanted to say that, we aren’t perfect, no one, no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise, is perfect. I keep saying that we were made difference, and we were. One boob is bigger then the other, and did you know...that it has been scientifically proven, that no two NATURAL breast are exactly the same...on your body and in relation to everyone else in the world. My boobs...are not the same as ANYONE elses, no one else was born with the genes to make boobs like mine. That makes me a little bit happy and a little bit more confident. They cant be compared to the tv boobs, or the magazine boobs, or the surgically enhanced boobs. They are mine...and I am proud of them and I want to be sure that nothing happens to them that will affect my way of life.

So I will manually check them every week and I will get advice on when to start getting them checked by a professional. You might laugh at that but in all the stuff I have been looking at it has been saying that the general age of patience is getting younger and younger. Also keeping in mind that I recently found out that a girl that I went to school with who was a couple of years below me, was recently diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. So before you say “it cant happen to me” do the research, look at the statistics, go to the websites and read the stories.

Make the changes now that will save your life later. EMBRACE your boobs and be proud of them, but make sure you check them so that you will be around to see them touch your knees!! ( . ) ( . )

Waiting For Forever

We are taught from a young age that fairy tales are real...and that with great adversity and tribulation comes a knight in shining armour to save the day. That will take you away from the mundane life and treat you like the princess that you are. So we grow up expecting it, wanting it and having a crazy high expectation of courtship. Life isn’t always like that. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and smooth roads. We all have to meet at least ONE person that destroys our heart and makes us lose all faith in the opposite sex. Like we are waiting for forever for the one to come along and save us from ourselves.

I just wanted to tell you the story of how my man and I came to be. It’s not really a funny story, or an interesting one, but one I have been wanting to document for quite a while and never really had the mental capacity to think about the events before. Nor did I really want to be reminded of my past. But here it goes!

I was 19 and was very much in the ‘party and have fun’ part of my life where alcohol and friends were more important than just about anything else in the world. Whilst ‘Lapping’ one night (yes I am aware that lapping is for Fags and that to drive around in circles for hours is a waste of time and pointless – I was young!) my best friend and I started being followed around by this ute...the passenger was pretty cute, the driver wasn’t really anything I’d look twice at. Long story short they approached us and the passenger asked for my number (which didn’t really happen to me often when I was with this friend – she was, IS, smoking!) and I gave it to him without question.

He started texting me straight away and after a meeting down the beach one night we started seeing each other a fair bit. Within 4 months we were living together. It was my first big love, first grown up relationship and it was great to start with. We got on well, had similar things in common, I got on with his family, him NOT so much with mine. Within a year we were engaged...and that’s when things started to turn around. We started to fight a lot...which was mainly through my inability to deal with adult situations, which must have been frustrating for someone of his age (he would have been 26 at the time) and his inability to accept my family or my friends. He had this habit of texting ALL the time, if I asked who it was, he would just tell me it was one of his mates, but if I had to use his phone for anything he would always be watching me to make sure I wasn’t looking at what I shouldn’t be. But then he would go through mine and read everything and get mad at me for things that were in there, before knowing the full story. I wasn’t innocent in all of this, I lied when he tried to stop me from seeing some people so I would lie about where I was going, I also had to change the name of some people in my phone so that he wouldn’t know who I was talking to. He was a little bit controlling, but with some of my lies, I definitely gave him a reason not to trust me. There was always something about him that was a bit off as well. Within the next year I had moved into a unit and we were trying to “start again”

This is when I met my current man! We worked at the same place and we had a fair bit of chemistry and used to flirt a lot. He was funny and interested in what I had to say, asked me questions about my life and what I liked and he was just genuinely sweet...but because I was still dating Man A nothing could happen with Man B, and nothing ever did. We just used to hang out and stuff but we both kind of knew that there was something else there and that we were a little bit more special to each other then we would admit.

Man A used to drive past my Unit and look for my car and if it wasn’t there then he would ring me and accuse me of sleeping around and being a whore and would be genuinely horrible to me and it would make me cry and just feel crappy about my life. My relationship with Man B became a little bit closer and he pretty much told me that he was into me and wanted me to be just his and then he kissed me and...My world fell to pieces...I felt it...he felt it....it was just this instant feeling that we belong together. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Then as I was about to go home he told me that I had to chose. I couldn’t be with Man A and Man B at the same time because it wasn’t fair on him. Which I could understand...so I went home and had one very sleepless night trying to decide what I wanted to do.

I woke up the next day and acted like everything was okay. I didn’t do anything differently and when I took Man B home that afternoon...that’s when I told him...that Man A and I had history and it would be horrible to throw it all away when I feel like id be able to make it work. See...it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I kind of always made to feel like I didn’t equal up and that everything that happened was my fault and I had got so used to it that it was normal for me to apologise and believe that everything was my fault. But the good...the 5% of our relationship was so good that I just wasn’t ready to let go of what we had. It’s weird how that happens...someone can treat you like complete shit for the duration of the relationship and you will stay with them because when its good...it’s just so damn good that you couldn’t imagine being anywhere else in the world.

Obviously with telling Man B about what happened things weren’t really that great at work anymore. His group of friends were pretty mean to me and didn’t really make my life easy in the workplace and rumours about me soon started spreading around. They got bigger and more extravagant and I just couldn’t take it anymore so I left and found a job at the pub. My relationship with Man A didn’t really get any better, he was being really secretive and wasn’t really around too much anymore. He didn’t reply to my phone calls but he would still drive past my unit to see if I was home and abuse me if I wasn’t.

I was at the pub for a little while and became friends with one of the other girls, we talked a lot about life and relationships and we became pretty close. WE had the same lunch break one day and we were sitting outside and I was telling her about my man and what he did and how we were working on things and stuff when she asked me what his name was, so I told her. Then she asked me what kind of car he drove, so I told her. She then proceeded to tell me his address. I was a little confused and asked her what was going on. She then told me that her sister had been seeing him for the past few months. I didn’t believe her to start with and sent him a message asking him who she was...and he said he had never heard her name before and I believed him. So I went back to work, finished my shift and checked my phone. There were several messages from her sister telling me about the times that he had said he was fishing and come and seen her and when he told me he was going camping and he took her to Keppel and the time that he was on the phone accusing me of sleeping around while she was at his house...and he told her to run if I come over.

My world fell apart...I called him to ask about it all and he denied it for a while...but after 5 hours the truth come out...and the fighting begun. The reasons were endless and the fighting was nasty...the breakup took about 5 days to be fully over and emotions were insanely high. The first and only person that I called and wanted to talk to was Man B. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that it was okay and that it would all work out, but he had since moved on and got a girlfriend and after my first crying phone call to him I realised that she was threatened by me and didn’t want me talking to him anymore, which was okay by me. So I turned to my friends and I got through it.

I just want to clarify that I am not blameless in all this...I did cheat on him...once...with someone ...it wasn’t Man B...and despite how many times he tried to tell me that I was sleeping with Man B for months it simply isn’t true...not at all. But the fighting got petty and he put the whole break up and relationship meltdown to my lack of drive in the bedroom. He said when we first hooked up it was awesome and intense and after about 12 months I got lazy...which wasn’t true...i was just looking for more of an emotional connection rather then a sexual one.

After emerging from my depressed coma like state I realised that I didn’t have a job, or a boyfriend...I was 21 and by myself for the first time since I was 19 and it was awesome. I had a friend move in to my unit with me to help me pay the rent and I just let things happen as they happened. I was offered my previous job back (the one I left because of being uncomfortable around Man B) and although his friends were still giving me hell about what had happened...after a week or so Man B really warmed up to me and was the shoulder to cry on and the person to talk to that I had wanted originally. It was awesome to have someone to talk to. We started hanging out a bit more and he started visiting me at home a lot more and it wasn’t long until we were an item.

The fighting, moving, breakup, reunion saga went on all within 6 months and that was four years ago. Man B and myself have been together ever since and we will be getting married next year.

I guess the reason that I wanted to tell people this is to let them know that you have to go into a relationship with the real you; you can’t be what they want you to be and then change halfway through. Don't rush in to something that is going to be full time and full on and something that you aren’t mentally ready for. It’s a big undertaking and it’s not just you that you are looking out for anymore.

If ii had of followed my heart in the first place and not my head I might not have gone through the 6 months of pain that I did, but I also wouldn’t have learned what it takes to make a relationship work or how to be a grown up, or be responsible for my actions. I also wouldn’t have got my friends back, the ones that I lost because he didn’t approve of them, or the ones that I made because of what he did. Man B dislikes Man A a lot...we are still paying off and cleaning up a lot of the financial stuff that I was left with (young, stupid and willing to please meant ALOT was in my name) and he was with me many times and heard the things that he said to me and seen the messages and they way that he spoke to me. I can completely understand his detest for him because I kind of feel the same way about him.

But I refuse to live my life with regrets. I am of the strong belief that if you didn’t go through the things that you do then you don't learn the lesson that that incident had to offer. I might have done things differently but I wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I have never been this happy or confident or content. I feel that I have really grown as a person with Man B and he really supports me in EVERYTHING that I do. I only with that everyone would know what it feels like to be as happy as I am when I’m in his arms. When he kisses me before I sleep...to be honest I still get Goosebumps when he kisses me and butterflies when he holds my hand. He is my everything and I would be nothing without him.

You have to look at the relationship that you are currently in and decide whats best for you. If the relationship is bad, then you need to get out. If it brings out the worst in you , and you have lost sight of the person that you used to be, you need to get out. If you are walking through the house and it feels like you don't even know each other anymore, get out. If he continues to hurt you and deceive you and you keep forgiving him, get out. If you let him hurt you over and over again, get out. If he starts getting funny about letting you see your friends, or asks you to chose between him and your family, get out. If he ever calls, accuses or insinuates that you are a slut, get out. If he makes you feel as though you aren’t worthy of your time, get out. Don't kid yourself thinking that he will change or that if you change things will be different, they never will be. Its emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, no matter how you look at it, its wrong and you don't have to put up with it!

If you decide that you still want to say...then it falls back on you...if you want to put up with it and keep getting hurt then you aren’t learning and you won’t get anything from the lesson that life is trying to teach you.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel...and after I went through everything I went through...and I cried as many tears as I cried...my knight in shining armour came and rescued me and carried me off into the sunset...and you know what...I will never look back!

The Snakes and Ladders of Friendship

What has been said can never be unsaid. That is the beautiful thing about speech, it comes out of our mouths, in the heat of the moment, after being thought about for a while, in general conversation and it can never be taken back. The memory of it will always remain. If the other person receives the information as offensive or insensitive, you can’t back track and take it away. It’s even worse if you don't think that you are wrong.

This has happened to me, recently, and I’m still in two minds on how to feel about the situation. Initially, before the conversation, I was calm and collected, and then the first thing was said. Then the next, then next. During the conversation I was concerned that I may have been crossing the line, so I checked with my man, as well as my housemate and they both said that they wouldn’t see it as offensive. Then the reply comes back that I was rude and not thinking about the current situation, but I kept going. Afterwards I felt confident that we had come to some kind of conclusion and that everything was going to be okay.

This was not the case at all, with our friendship suffering and me realising a little too late that I had crossed the line and a friendship, which was very important to me, was hanging in the balance. I analysed the conversation from many angles, trying to find the point where enough would have been enough, and I just couldn’t see it, not completely. However, I was able to find a reason for my position on the situation. An apology was said and met with no response; a public declaration was made which was also met with no response. This resulted in a large emotional breakdown on my behalf and confirmation that the friendship was probably over.

I realise that to anyone that doesn’t personally know what happened on that day, that this whole blog would be a little bit confusing but I guess what I am talking about is, saying something to someone that you believe in, and them not receiving it in the way that you thought they would. Then it blows completely out of the water. I’m not sure what to do to fix it either. This person has been a very close friend of mine for a long time and while he has helped me sort out my head and been a pillar of support for me mentally, I have been there for him more in the past 12 months than I have for anyone else, including my man.

So when does history become a nothing? We have all had a friend that we have been really close with and then there has been one gigantic and massive event that has meant that the friendship is over. So what happens to the memories or the hole that is left? The memories will always remain, and in your head you will run the whole thing over to see what you could have done differently, to change the outcome and make things better.

In this instance, if I hadn’t of said what I did, I would still have the friendship, but the dynamics would never be the same because deep down I would be disappointed that I didn’t say what I needed to say. It’s sticky sometimes and I guess it’s a fine line between being honest and destroying someone’s mindset. I still don't regret what I said, but guess I regret the way I said it. I’m sure there would have been many other ways to explain how I felt about the situation.

I’ve noticed when you are having a down in one friendship; it is highly likely that you will be having a high in another. Humans have an amazing sense for emotion, in most situations. I’ve found that when there are problems with one friendship, I will turn to another friend to talk about the situation and then that friendship will usually blossom or get a little bit more intense. I’m sure that this is because of the emotion that is brought to the relationship and the nurturing the other person shows to you in your time of need and your quest for support. But that’s the great thing about Friendship, it’s there when your life starts to fall apart, to guide you, and support you, and in the situation that I am currently in, while one friendship was falling apart, I discovered that one that was in front of me the whole time, was a lot stronger then I could have ever imagined

Regardless of all of this I still hope for reconciliation, although in light of some information I received today I really don't think that is going to happen. Which puts me into mourning again. It’s like losing a part of you, a part of your personality, and a part of your heart. I’m not ready to lose a friendship that would have been life long, regardless of the distance. So the next question is...what’s the next move?

There is so much grovelling that someone can do before you have to call it quits. We have all had that one relationship, where a break up happen and the victim has come back “if I do this, if I do that, I’ll do whatever it takes, but I love you” when it’s over its over, plain and simple. Well, plain and simple in the way of romantic relationships but I think friendships have a completely different dynamic. The whole idea of a friendship is to be honest, supportive and kind...in a nutshell that is what we do. We talk to them when they are sad, give them advice when they tell us to, hold them while they cry, pick up the pieces when love fails, love their children, answer the 3am phone calls. We all know what it’s like, we have all been there. I have and would still do all of that, I still DO all of that for all of my friends. I don't discriminate; it’s the same for everyone.

Maybe time will fix it? It’s entirely possible, but as human beings, when something goes missing and leaves a space in your heart, you will eventually fill it with something else, which is probably what will happen. I just don't think I’m ready to let go of the memories, especially when the wound is so fresh.

Since the incident, I have looked back and can understand where he was coming from, but it still doesn’t change how I feel and the fact that it feels like there is NO understanding being reciprocated is disheartening and a fairly big sign that I should stop wasting time on something that might never ever be fixed. However I am not the kind of person that gives up and I know that no matter how long it takes or what has to happen, we will be friends again.

When I was younger I was the same, if not a little bit more reserved. I lost a few friends because of things that were said to me and my inability and unwillingness to stick up for myself. It was hard. But in time we patched things up, and we talked about where we were in that space in time, and we realized that where we were then and where we are now is a completely different place. These few friends become, and remain, some of my biggest supporters and confidants.

I guess what I would like for you to take from this is that, there are two sides to every story, and behind every comment that hurts your feelings, there is a friend that is concerned about a decision or an action and wants to help you. Think about where they might be coming from and ask them to do the same. Don't make rash decisions but don't deliberately go out to hurt someone. Think hard about what you are going to say and maybe see if there is a nicer way that you are able to say it.

Friendship is an amazing gift and something that everyone should have, but it needs work, from all parties. Please don't let these people go, they are a gift that you should keep as close as you can!

Mind Your Manners

As a child I was always taught to dot the I’s and cross the t’s. Always say please and thank you. Wash your hands before you come to the table to eat dinner. Make sure your hair is brushed and your clothes are respectable before you leave the house. Which means that things like tattoos and piercings were never really something that my brother or I really were exposed to until a little bit later in life.

Tattoos were always something that there was a stigma behind. If you had one you were a bad person and you meant trouble, you weren’t to be trusted and you definitely weren’t the employable type. Lucky things have changed, if only slightly!

I love them, Tattoos, Piercings, and I have several of both, much to my parent’s disgust. I’ve always wanted a lip piercing, but their big thing was no piercings on your face. Although society has shifted and moved on the idea of both and they are more accepted, I still tend to get ones that people can’t really see. .

Still, I have always been a bit iffy about them, and how they might affect me in my career, its weird how putting something on your skin, or through your skin, can affect the way that people perceive you. I’m always a little bit surprised when someone tells me about something that they have, when they don't seem like the kind of person that would get some ink. Everyone has a little piece of themselves that they keep hidden or only show to a few people and I feel very honoured that people want to show me that side of them...makes me feel really special.

I got my first piercing when I was 17 and 50 weeks old (precise I know!)....I had asked mum if I could get it done...and she said only when I turn 18...even then she didn’t really approve of it. I spoke to the Tattoo Shop about it and they said because it was so close they would do it for me (I wanted it to heal by my birthday) Work even let me take the afternoon off to do it...it was my first experience...and while it hurt...I had the bug and I couldn’t wait to do it again!

1 week after my 18^th come my first tattoo, two little butterflies on my left hip. One of my best friends got exactly the same one, it was a little bit special. About 6 months after that I got another piercing, and then another one, and then another one...Until I had 9 in total. 3 pairs in my ears, tragus, cartilage, belly button, two in my tongue and a few I care not to mention. As I have got older I slowly let go of some of the more outrageous ones, because they caused a little bit of trouble, so besides my ear ones I only have 1 other. It’s still insanely addictive and I would love to get some different ones, but I have sensitive skin and get infections from every type of metal. It gets a little bit expensive when you have to fill so many holes.

As for tattoos, I have 5. The first one was on my hip which I described earlier, my next one was at 19 and on my lower back (tramp stamp) and marked the freedom and fun that I was having at that age. My next one was on my upper back, between my shoulder blades, a little tribal piece which symbolised finding and experiencing my first love. All of these ones are easily hidden under my clothes and I got my next one 4 years later and it was the first one that was out in the open for everyone to see. I actually really, really love this one. It’s a little one on my foot and it symbolised finding my prince charming and moving on to the next stage of my life. I was always a little bit nervous of how people would see me in regards to this one, judging me maybe because of the ink on my skin. Which makes my next one a little bit surprising.

I nearly had second thoughts about them, when the tattooer asked me where I worked and if they would mind about them. It really made me think twice. It’s not like I just woke up and decided that I was going to get them, I had been thinking about it for quite a while, never the less, the comment really made me think twice.

Are people going to think of me differently because I have a pink bow on each thumb? Am I going to be treated like a second class citizen because of it? The answer in my opinion is no. You can’t judge my moral character or my work ethic by what I look like. I have a friend that has more piercings in her face then an echidna, stretchers, an undercut and drawn on eyebrows. She looks rough as. She works in government and is crazy good at her job. She is also the sweetest, most sensitive person in the world. Just shows that you can’t really judge a person by what they look like.

And I wont lie, when I first seen my man, I noticed his smile then his tattoos. I’m a sucker for them. There is nothing better than a muscular arm with a sleeve. It’s just so attractive.

I guess the issue here is that society still tends to judge people on their ink and their piercings and they really shouldn’t. Whilst it is an extension of who we are...it shouldn’t be the MEASURE of who we are.

We all have a different fingerprint, voice, personality, even our arms aren’t the same length. We should all continue to express our individuality. Don't let society force you to conform to their ideals.

Be proud of who you are...I’m proud of who I am...body art and all J

My Foot Tattoo - One of my Favourites - 23 Years Old



The Second Tattoo I Got - Drawn Up By Me - 19 Years Old



Latest and Favourite Tattoo - 24 Years Old



The First Tattoo I Ever Got - 18 Years Old



My Upper Back Tattoo - 20 Years Old