Monday, 20 June 2011

Waiting For Forever

We are taught from a young age that fairy tales are real...and that with great adversity and tribulation comes a knight in shining armour to save the day. That will take you away from the mundane life and treat you like the princess that you are. So we grow up expecting it, wanting it and having a crazy high expectation of courtship. Life isn’t always like that. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and smooth roads. We all have to meet at least ONE person that destroys our heart and makes us lose all faith in the opposite sex. Like we are waiting for forever for the one to come along and save us from ourselves.
I just wanted to tell you the story of how my man and I came to be. It’s not really a funny story, or an interesting one, but one I have been wanting to document for quite a while and never really had the mental capacity to think about the events before. Nor did I really want to be reminded of my past. But here it goes!
I was 19 and was very much in the ‘party and have fun’ part of my life where alcohol and friends were more important than just about anything else in the world. Whilst ‘Lapping’ one night (yes I am aware that lapping is for Fags and that to drive around in circles for hours is a waste of time and pointless – I was young!) my best friend and I started being followed around by this ute...the passenger was pretty cute, the driver wasn’t really anything I’d look twice at. Long story short they approached us and the passenger asked for my number (which didn’t really happen to me often when I was with this friend – she was, IS, smoking!) and I gave it to him without question.
He started texting me straight away and after a meeting down the beach one night we started seeing each other a fair bit. Within 4 months we were living together. It was my first big love, first grown up relationship and it was great to start with. We got on well, had similar things in common, I got on with his family, him NOT so much with mine. Within a year we were engaged...and that’s when things started to turn around. We started to fight a lot...which was mainly through my inability to deal with adult situations, which must have been frustrating for someone of his age (he would have been 26 at the time) and his inability to accept my family or my friends. He had this habit of texting ALL the time, if I asked who it was, he would just tell me it was one of his mates, but if I had to use his phone for anything he would always be watching me to make sure I wasn’t looking at what I shouldn’t be. But then he would go through mine and read everything and get mad at me for things that were in there, before knowing the full story. I wasn’t innocent in all of this, I lied when he tried to stop me from seeing some people so I would lie about where I was going, I also had to change the name of some people in my phone so that he wouldn’t know who I was talking to. He was a little bit controlling, but with some of my lies, I definitely gave him a reason not to trust me. There was always something about him that was a bit off as well. Within the next year I had moved into a unit and we were trying to “start again”
This is when I met my current man! We worked at the same place and we had a fair bit of chemistry and used to flirt a lot. He was funny and interested in what I had to say, asked me questions about my life and what I liked and he was just genuinely sweet...but because I was still dating Man A nothing could happen with Man B, and nothing ever did. We just used to hang out and stuff but we both kind of knew that there was something else there and that we were a little bit more special to each other then we would admit.
Man A used to drive past my Unit and look for my car and if it wasn’t there then he would ring me and accuse me of sleeping around and being a whore and would be genuinely horrible to me and it would make me cry and just feel crappy about my life. My relationship with Man B became a little bit closer and he pretty much told me that he was into me and wanted me to be just his and then he kissed me and...My world fell to pieces...I felt it...he felt was just this instant feeling that we belong together. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Then as I was about to go home he told me that I had to chose. I couldn’t be with Man A and Man B at the same time because it wasn’t fair on him. Which I could I went home and had one very sleepless night trying to decide what I wanted to do.
I woke up the next day and acted like everything was okay. I didn’t do anything differently and when I took Man B home that afternoon...that’s when I told him...that Man A and I had history and it would be horrible to throw it all away when I feel like id be able to make it work. was an emotionally abusive relationship. I kind of always made to feel like I didn’t equal up and that everything that happened was my fault and I had got so used to it that it was normal for me to apologise and believe that everything was my fault. But the good...the 5% of our relationship was so good that I just wasn’t ready to let go of what we had. It’s weird how that happens...someone can treat you like complete shit for the duration of the relationship and you will stay with them because when its’s just so damn good that you couldn’t imagine being anywhere else in the world.
Obviously with telling Man B about what happened things weren’t really that great at work anymore. His group of friends were pretty mean to me and didn’t really make my life easy in the workplace and rumours about me soon started spreading around. They got bigger and more extravagant and I just couldn’t take it anymore so I left and found a job at the pub. My relationship with Man A didn’t really get any better, he was being really secretive and wasn’t really around too much anymore. He didn’t reply to my phone calls but he would still drive past my unit to see if I was home and abuse me if I wasn’t.
I was at the pub for a little while and became friends with one of the other girls, we talked a lot about life and relationships and we became pretty close. WE had the same lunch break one day and we were sitting outside and I was telling her about my man and what he did and how we were working on things and stuff when she asked me what his name was, so I told her. Then she asked me what kind of car he drove, so I told her. She then proceeded to tell me his address. I was a little confused and asked her what was going on. She then told me that her sister had been seeing him for the past few months. I didn’t believe her to start with and sent him a message asking him who she was...and he said he had never heard her name before and I believed him. So I went back to work, finished my shift and checked my phone. There were several messages from her sister telling me about the times that he had said he was fishing and come and seen her and when he told me he was going camping and he took her to Keppel and the time that he was on the phone accusing me of sleeping around while she was at his house...and he told her to run if I come over.
My world fell apart...I called him to ask about it all and he denied it for a while...but after 5 hours the truth come out...and the fighting begun. The reasons were endless and the fighting was nasty...the breakup took about 5 days to be fully over and emotions were insanely high. The first and only person that I called and wanted to talk to was Man B. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that it was okay and that it would all work out, but he had since moved on and got a girlfriend and after my first crying phone call to him I realised that she was threatened by me and didn’t want me talking to him anymore, which was okay by me. So I turned to my friends and I got through it.
I just want to clarify that I am not blameless in all this...I did cheat on him...once...with someone wasn’t Man B...and despite how many times he tried to tell me that I was sleeping with Man B for months it simply isn’t true...not at all. But the fighting got petty and he put the whole break up and relationship meltdown to my lack of drive in the bedroom. He said when we first hooked up it was awesome and intense and after about 12 months I got lazy...which wasn’t true...i was just looking for more of an emotional connection rather then a sexual one.
After emerging from my depressed coma like state I realised that I didn’t have a job, or a boyfriend...I was 21 and by myself for the first time since I was 19 and it was awesome. I had a friend move in to my unit with me to help me pay the rent and I just let things happen as they happened. I was offered my previous job back (the one I left because of being uncomfortable around Man B) and although his friends were still giving me hell about what had happened...after a week or so Man B really warmed up to me and was the shoulder to cry on and the person to talk to that I had wanted originally. It was awesome to have someone to talk to. We started hanging out a bit more and he started visiting me at home a lot more and it wasn’t long until we were an item.
The fighting, moving, breakup, reunion saga went on all within 6 months and that was four years ago. Man B and myself have been together ever since and we will be getting married next year.
I guess the reason that I wanted to tell people this is to let them know that you have to go into a relationship with the real you; you can’t be what they want you to be and then change halfway through. Don't rush in to something that is going to be full time and full on and something that you aren’t mentally ready for. It’s a big undertaking and it’s not just you that you are looking out for anymore.
If ii had of followed my heart in the first place and not my head I might not have gone through the 6 months of pain that I did, but I also wouldn’t have learned what it takes to make a relationship work or how to be a grown up, or be responsible for my actions. I also wouldn’t have got my friends back, the ones that I lost because he didn’t approve of them, or the ones that I made because of what he did. Man B dislikes Man A a lot...we are still paying off and cleaning up a lot of the financial stuff that I was left with (young, stupid and willing to please meant ALOT was in my name) and he was with me many times and heard the things that he said to me and seen the messages and they way that he spoke to me. I can completely understand his detest for him because I kind of feel the same way about him.
But I refuse to live my life with regrets. I am of the strong belief that if you didn’t go through the things that you do then you don't learn the lesson that that incident had to offer. I might have done things differently but I wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I have never been this happy or confident or content. I feel that I have really grown as a person with Man B and he really supports me in EVERYTHING that I do. I only with that everyone would know what it feels like to be as happy as I am when I’m in his arms. When he kisses me before I be honest I still get Goosebumps when he kisses me and butterflies when he holds my hand. He is my everything and I would be nothing without him.
You have to look at the relationship that you are currently in and decide whats best for you. If the relationship is bad, then you need to get out. If it brings out the worst in you , and you have lost sight of the person that you used to be, you need to get out. If you are walking through the house and it feels like you don't even know each other anymore, get out. If he continues to hurt you and deceive you and you keep forgiving him, get out. If you let him hurt you over and over again, get out. If he starts getting funny about letting you see your friends, or asks you to chose between him and your family, get out. If he ever calls, accuses or insinuates that you are a slut, get out. If he makes you feel as though you aren’t worthy of your time, get out. Don't kid yourself thinking that he will change or that if you change things will be different, they never will be. Its emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, no matter how you look at it, its wrong and you don't have to put up with it!
If you decide that you still want to say...then it falls back on you...if you want to put up with it and keep getting hurt then you aren’t learning and you won’t get anything from the lesson that life is trying to teach you.
There is a light at the end of every tunnel...and after I went through everything I went through...and I cried as many tears as I knight in shining armour came and rescued me and carried me off into the sunset...and you know what...I will never look back!

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