Saturday, 2 July 2011

Pretty and Witty and Gay

I love gay men, gay women, I love gay people! I do, there is something about their confidence and personalities that I just adore. Im not talking about the fashion advice, or the insane gossipy chats, its the way that they accept you, for who you are. They don't judge, they just love, it really warms my heart.

I have a many homosexual friends and I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world. But there seems to be a huge stigma about the way of life, people trying to prove that its a chemical imbalance in the brain, or a lifestyle choice that can be punished, or taught out of someone. I don't think this is the case at all and I think you just know if you like boys or girls, I don't think there is any funny business going on and if you like someone of the same sex, then that's okay. You shouldn't be punished for it.

In the society we live in its becoming more and more common and I believe with the new generation homosexuality is being accepted more freely. My problem is with the biggot bogan who have nothing better to do than gay bash. We are all people...seriously...what if tomorrow you woke up and the tables were turned, if heterosexuality was opposite the norm and this oppression was thrust onto you. It wouldn't really be too fun would it. I have had a couple of my mates bashed because they were dancing with some heros girlfeiend and they were threatened. As a matter of fact, one of my ex boyfriends was so threatened by one of my gay mates, he convinced himself that I was having sex with him. Isn't that the stupidest thing you have heard in your life? I couldn't possibly be hanging out with him because he was great to talk to and he made me laugh...nooo...its not possible to be a friend with the opposite sex for the pure intention of being friends! But I'm getting off topic...

I believe that same sex marriage should be legalized. Civil union = bullshit. Marriage is two people loving each other so much that they want to spend the rest of their lives together...fullstop....I don't remember EVER being told when I was a kid that it had to be a man and a woman...ever. It makes me so angry. Sexism, its real, and its ripe in our community. Its so bad that people live two lives, terrified of what their family and friends will think of their lifestyle, and that's sad. Who has ever been chastised for living and loving someone of the opposite sex?

Also, who's to say that two mums or two dads CANT be amazing parents? One of my lesbian friends just had a baby and she is a loving, warm and caring mother. Who is to say she wont be. Oh, and before you play the "every kid needs a father" card, what about all the men that run out on their baby mother before the child is born, or run away and hide so they don't have to pay child support,. This goes for mothers too, who are scared of the responsibility and aren't ready to grow up. The ones that dump the kids on the fathers so they can run out and party, drink and have sex with anyone that looks their way. Who are you to say that they will be better parents than a homosexual couple who are committed to each other and yearn to be a family.

Its wrong that these beautiful, gorgeous people are made to feel excluded from society and its lifestyle because of who they love. People who have sex with kids, and animals still walk freely in society but a man who kisses a man or a woman who kisses a woman is scorned for their lifestyle choice is chastised and beaten. Tell me where the fairness is in that, because I can't see it!

I'm sure you are proud of who you are and what you do. Embrace the people around you that might seem different, or extraverted, or lady like, or manly. They will add a dimension to your life you never knew existed. If you don't feel you can do that, then think about this. You love your family and would defend their honour to the ground, a parents love can't be measured. But, every single one of you, will have a homosexual in your family, whether it be a child, grandchild, parent, uncle, aunty, somewhere along the line there will be someone. The measure of strength will be how to deal with it and accept it. If it is with opened mind and love, your life will be enhanced in a way that you will never have known before. If you don't, you are just another biggot that will pass his hate gene to the next generation to oppress. You will be as bad as a racist!

I welcome you all with open arms, with no judgement, just love. I hope that you will do the same for me. Equality is the goal. Gay Pride, lets scream it from the rooftops, get the message out there, lets unite, in our fight, for freedom!!

Friday, 1 July 2011

Colour Between The Lines

Racism in Australia is beyond a joke. People in the town I live in are under the assumption that all aboriginal children are born with a goon bag in there hand and a centrelink cheque in their pocket. Its bullshit. I was always taught thay colour means nothing, black, white, caramel, we are all people ..were all humans. I'm not setting out to offend people, I just want to get my feelings out there.

From a young age I was taught that the colour of your skin doesn't matter, we are all just people and I believe that means that we should all have the same rights. Unfortunately this isn't always the case and I have found that as I have got older, its a select few that manage to bring down an entire people. We see it alot, especially around our area. Kids as young as 10 chroming aroung the corner, drinking, smoking and I know this isnt limited to colour as young caucasion children do it aswell, but as soon as someone sees someone of colour doing it, the race card is pulled out.

Mr Man can be a bit of a racist sometimes. He has a low tollerance for people that take advantage of the system or that use their colour as an excuse for their problems. I have found that in our group of friends its the same opinion with alot of them. Its really sad. I have friends of all races and I don't judge them for their colour. One of my best friends is Islander and I love her to peices. But when I hear her talk about how people will judge her because of what she's wearing or what they will think of her car, it makes me really sad. She's a good kid, she works for her money, and she deserves all the happiness in the world.

Reverse racism is really bad as well...fuck you whitey is often heard in our neighbourhood and the little kid next door once called me a Capitan Cook Cunt...because I told him to stop playing in our yard. He was no less than 8. But apparantly we deserve it. I'm of the opinon that we deffinately should of said sorry, as a country. We came here, raped their land, took their freedom away from them and introduced them to alcohol. Then when their dependancy gets so bad that they are having to make their towns "dry" to stop rape and abuse, we really have to have a look at the hand we had in it. I agree that as a child of the new generation I didn't personally have a hand in what happened, but my ancestors really fucked up...they did...and the stolen generation and the taking away of rights should never have happened.

In saying that though, I don't think anyone should be babyed in this country, the 4% homeloans are a joke...and the extra benefits you get because of the colour of your skin are just stupid. We are all capable of working, being responsible and an active member or society and I have no sympathy for any dole bludger that is capable of changing their situation and improving their life. It make me cranky that they cry poor and the race card when they have the ability to be something better.

I don't want to come across as a biggot, because that's not what I'm trying to do. I strongly belive education begins at home, with the parents. If your kids hear you say "aye ya black cunt" they are going to think its okay. If they here you say things about asians or indians they will always copy you, always. But its the same with chroming or drinking, you have to be a parent first. The system hasn't failed your kids, you have. Parenting is the same no matter what the colour, and you can see with the filthy mouths on some kids that its just not happening. They aren't going to school, they are constantly breaking the can't help but wonder what the home life is like. Can't be all good can it.

If parenting fails then its up to the legal system to pick up the slack, and once the kid is in the system it is rare that anything changes, then the "fuck the police" mindset is passed on to their children, then their children. Its a cycle that needs to be ended for racism to disappear. But their will always be one side oppressing another side and I just wont ever go away.

In a perfect world the colour of your skin wouldn't matter and you would be judged on the person you are and your merit. We can all take little steps to get there. Don't judge anymore, before you say something bad about a person of the opposite race, think what it would be like if that was happening to you. I just want everyone to live together, without the slurs, without the assumption of bad, just, get along. Im not expecting anyone to feel the way I do. Just make one change in the way you approach situations, you will find it will really change your life, or start too anyway. You will feel better about it, your life will be better. I promise!

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Medium Rare

Steak, is a beautiful thing, there is nothing I love better than a big thick piece of rib fillet, medium rare with Dianne sauce. I’m pretty sure I’m drooling just thinking about it. Where does out meat come from though? I used to work at a meat works; it’s where I met Mr. Man actually and where he still works. Part of the Certificate II Meat Processing Abattoirs (which they used to make you do when they employed you – so they could pay you traineeship wages!) is to do a tour of the plant and see what happens from start to finish. I was so intrigued by this experience that to this day, it is still one of my FAVOURITE stories to tell people with weak stomachs!

We are lucky here in Australia though, that our meat for consumption is handled in the way that it is. From what I have seen, the cattle in Australia are killed humanely, they are dead when they are drained of blood and sent into the kill floor where they are split into a million pieces and distributed to different departments. Some would argue that there is no humane way to intentionally kill an animal that wouldn’t have died at that time naturally. Yep, I would agree with you, probably. If you are going to argue that then there is NO way to humanely die. That people in hospitals that can’t fend for themselves should be taken off the drips and off the support that is keeping them alive and should be left for nature to take its course.

I know that you are thinking, how dare you compare animal life to human life, but what makes humans so amazing. We are all creatures of this earth. Humans, Animals, Nature, we are all Earthlings. I actually watched a documentary called Earthlings not that long ago, and it really affected me in a way that I wasn’t sure it would. It had me in tears in some parts, but I can’t say that it changed my way of thinking about things. It’s predominantly a documentary about the human relationship with animals on this earth. How we discriminate against them and place them below us, sometimes very below us, for our own gain. It focuses a lot on speciesism (the assigning of different values or rights to beings on the basis of their species membership). It is voiced by Joaquin Phoenix who manages to maintain one tone throughout the whole thing which is weirdly soothing while not taking away from the horrific images on the screen.

There are some amazing quotes throughout the whole thing which really moved me. I was trying to find a transcript for it so that I could pull some of them out, but I couldn’t. One of my favorites, which I was able to remember, was:
We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far beneath ourselves. And therein we err, we greatly err. For the animal shall not be measured by name. In a world older and more complex than ours they more finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth. – Henry Beston
I won’t lie, that quote, writing it, gave me Goosebumps. This guy is seriously onto something. The first animals were on earth before humans were. Our lineage all traces back to those micro-organisms billions of years ago, human and animal alike.

After the quotes and the speech the documentary breaks into five parts showing ways that we as humans discriminate animals place in the world. The first part is about using animals as pets and highlights the conditions of puppy farms as well as the overcrowding in pounds and general human attitude towards them. Its shows dogs being euthanized by lethal injection, as well as the use of gas chambers for dogs and cats in budget restricted animal shelters. It also shows the complete disregard and lack of compassion of some humans as a large dog is thrown in the back of a garbage truck and crushed. I will never forget the images of the dogs dropping immediately after the injection or the cats being put into these cages and then tipped out like a big fur rug. By the time this section was over I had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really shows the importance of responsible pet ownership and being sure when you are taking one on that you really can afford all of the responsibilities and time. The biggest thing is getting your pet desexed to try and stop all these hundreds of animals being put down every month. As someone who would do anything to make sure that my dogs were safe and happy, I really feel as though some people just aren’t doing enough, or loving enough. I can say with certainty that when we lose my gorgeous paw kids to the big leash free park in the sky, we will be adopting, either from the local pound, or a local animal organization. I want to be able to give an animal that hasn’t been given the chance to have a family, the opportunity to know what it is to be loved.

The next part is about where our meat comes from. Its shows the disgusting conditions in pig farms, including the treatment of sows, which are kept continually pregnant through artificial insemination and are in a sense, baby factories. It shows how they cut the teeth, ears, tails and castrate piglets, with no anesthetic, at a very young age. It shows the abbesses and missing body parts of grown up pigs in cramped conditions with nothing to do. It shows milking cows and how they are unable to graze, chained to their stalls until they die. It highlights the conditions in chicken farms and the overcrowding as well as the battery hen cages. The whole thing makes your skin crawl. Then they show the process of killing the animals. This depends on the type of animal, the plant, and the plan standards. All of what they show is horrendous. Many of the animals are still alive when their throats are cut and they bleed to death going down the line for processing. Like I have said before, I have worked in the meat industry for a little while and I have seen how they done this. So I know that the standards here in Australia are very high. It just makes me sad to know that these animals are suffering, all for the consumption of humans.

It then goes on to highlight the use of animals in Fashion. IM not talking about having a little Paris Hilton dog, but the use of their skin and fur in coats, shoes, bags, belts, all things fashion. This was one of the sections that I nearly couldn’t watch. It shows the cows of Indian families, being bought with the promise of being taken to a farm to live out the rest of their days. It then shows their harrowing journey to the one place in India where the killing of cows is allowed. Starved and roped they are loaded in and out of trucks with no ramps. Broken bones are not uncommon. They also break their tails to get them moving and when they are very hard to move, chili is rubbed into their eyes, often causing loss of sight. When they get to the end they are inhumanely killed in front of other cows. It’s very hard to watch. It also shows fur farms, where man animals are caught in the wild and put in cages to live out the rest of their days. They develop cage madness and are used as breeders as well. They are often carried out, past the carcasses of recently dead animals, to a place where they have an electric rod put up their anus, and a conductor bar put in their mouth, this is an insanely painful way to be killed, and many times the process has to be repeated multiple times. The one thing that I will never, ever forget, for all the rest of my days was a part in this section where a man, skins an animal, and once the skin is off, the animal blinks and looks at itself. I had to stop watching for a little bit at this point. My sobbing was waking up Mr. Man, the image is etched into my mind for the rest of my life.

The use of animals for entertainment is next highlighting the inadequacies of Circus to cater for their animals as well as the cruelty they face as part of their training. The way the trainers treat the Elephants and Lions is unbelievable. Then seeing the elephant go crazy and start killing people, escaping the circus and running down the street before it is subdued by multiple men with handguns as it is deemed dangerous. Nobody seems to stop and think what these circus animals face during their time at the circus. I support the current efforts in Australia to stop animal circuses from operating. No animal should be kept in cages and forced to perform day in day out. They do not do it because they are willing; they are only doing it because of a fear of pain. It shows the horrible deaths of bulls at the hands of matadors in Spain as well as the use of animals in rodeos. It really makes you stop and think about the impact that we have on them, and if we keep going to these events, then we are just supporting the industry and things will never change.

The last part is the use of animals for Medical and Military research. There are a lot of images in here that are hard to watch, and it is an incredibly touchy subject with a lot of people. There are arguments for, and against. I don’t believe that we are built the same way as animals. Their senses are not the same as ours and their pain receptors are different. They won’t always react the way that we will.

It goes on to recite some more information before coming to an end. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things that are going on in the world and it makes me a little bit sad. Like the animals that were shown to be mistreated in the way they were handled in Indonesia, so Australia put a trade ban on them. That was the only reason that I stumbled across this video actually, and it really made me sad. It has a very Vegan view on animals and it basically outlaws eating meat, or meat related products at all. I don’t think I could do that. I love my meat, but if we are going to take this extreme, and let’s face it, if you have watched the movie it has an extreme Vegan viewpoint.  If we are going to take it for what it is then, Humans, Animals, Nature are all earthlings, because trees are living things as well, and plants breathe. Well, what about vegetables, they grow as well, and they reproduce. Doesn’t that make them a living being as well? Were you a vegetable in your past life, do you know what it feels like to be cut in half? Probably not, but there seems to be a lot of research that shows they are more “conscience” than might be understood, that they respond to electromagnetic fields, physical stimulation and in some cases even music and words.

In some viewpoints this might come across as uninformed arrogance to put more value on one life form over another. Life is life. If you don’t want to kill then you are probably going to starve because life feeds on life, and its necessary, If you were out in the wild, whatever animal was going to have you for dinner, wouldn’t think twice about it. Nobody calls that inhumane and as humans we are designed to eat both meat and herbs over many years of evolution.

No matter how you look at it, the images in the documentary are horrible. But it just highlights the way that the meat producing industry needs to change where it is getting its meat from, and how it processes the meat. Not that we need to stop eating meat completely. If the system is going to change then you are going to have to expect an increase in prices because of all the additional guidelines that will have to be followed. Meat is always going to be available, whether it was processed properly or not. And I’m not going to stop eating meat, probably not ever. I’m just going to make better choices. Ensuring that no leather products I buy are from India. Making sure I am buying free range eggs and chicken. That my meat is born from the local meat works, where I KNOW the meat is processed correctly. Continue to be a responsible pet owner. We need to think about how the choices we make are impacting a being that may not think like us, but that still feels pain, fear, hunger, that still know what it is to be uncomfortable. I’m going to post the link below so that you can make the decision for yourself.

All this talk about animal cruelty has made me a little bit sad…I’m going to go and hug my dogs and tell them I love them. I’ll be over for dinner soon, I want my steak Medium Rare…!

Friday, 24 June 2011

Your Grounded!

So I opened the Morning Bulletin today and what do I see? Another drunken, abusive, aggressive man being granted immediate probation and a suspended sentence. Why am I starting to get the feeling that the justice system is really beginning to fail at his job? It seems every day there is another story of another wife beater, robber and drug dealer being given a slap on the wrists and released back into society. I’m pretty sure we are taught as children that if we do something wrong, then we deserves to be punished, something gets taken away from us for a period of time or we are sent to our room for a period of time. The worst thing we heard as kids and teenagers was “Your Grounded!”

So you would thing, as we got older, that the fear of incarceration would get stronger, especially seeing all the movies and documentaries about prison life. The word ‘Guilty’ replaces your grounded and sends you to a place that I know I would never want to go too! If Australia had a legal system like some other countries, maybe bad things wouldn’t continue to happen and remain unpunished. Like in Africa, if you steal something and the community finds out about it, instead of calling the police (who do nothing) they hunt the culprit down, stone them to death, and then set them on fire and cover the scene with dirt. It happens. Community justice because the legal system in their country is failing them.

But what makes a person want to do these things, the stealing and the fighting, what makes them go against everything they are taught as children? Well, I’m pretty sure they were never taught any of it at a young age. Bad family life, abusive parents, isn’t that what they say. You want to know who I blame, the government. Yep, if they didn’t make it so easy for 15-16 year old kids to have babies for money, then there would be less people struggling on welfare, less kids suffering because of their parents using welfare for drugs and alcohol, less of ALL of that.

For my parents to get me they had to get police checks, home checks, income checks, psyche checks, all to make sure they were sane, financially secure, had good values and could ACTUALLY look after me in a full capacity. This was a 5-6 year long process, it was exhausting, it was expensive but if they wanted a baby they had to do it! They had to go through all of that because they physically couldn’t have kids for themselves and had to adopt. I have always been of the strong belief that just because you can push a baby out of your lady bits, or have them cut out of your stomach, that doesn’t make you a parent. The unconditional love, the caring, the nurturing, ensuring that you are doing everything physically possible to make sure that your child has the best start in life. I can promise you that this doesn’t involve fending for itself at the age of 3 and making it watch mummy snort cocaine. In a perfect world you would EARN your ability to have kids, you would receive your ovaries and sperm makers after an extensive evaluation of your home life, stability, personality and financial capacity. It would get rid of a lot of the problems that society faces today. But, we aren’t robots and our organs aren’t easily removed…

That’s the problem with things at the moment though, there are all these kids…yes...KIDS…that are having babies when they are kids themselves either because they aren’t educated in safe sex, or just don’t care, or because it means they can drop out of school and be payed to stay at home. That’s how I see it, and I will never apologies for that.

We live with this “don’t worry about it, we all make mistakes” mindset. I mean how often have you been told that or heard that. Would you argue the truth of it? It seems that our judges may have forgotten it and that might be a little part of what is wrong with the current public liability insurance system. Should we as a society allow our judges to hand out enormous amounts of compensation to people because a mistake as been made? Yes, they should, keeping in mind that the result of the error would have to be extreme. We still make mistakes though, we make errors, I’m pretty glad that no one has ever taken me to court for my mistakes. An error is very different to gross negligence however. But what about judges? They make mistakes as well; legal appeals are the proof of that. But no one ever takes them to court to account for their errors.

I guess to put it into perspective, think about doctors. Do they have any right to make mistakes? If not then we aren’t really being fair are we. Maybe when judging the liability relating to the mistake of others we should consider how many times that we have been in that same error.

There was a case in Western Australia where several US Soldiers were held in remand for over 18 months over an alleged rape. On trial it was found that they were innocent of the rape but guilty of having sex with an underage girl. That represented 18 months taken from those men’s lives for a crime that they weren’t guilty of. The Australian Justice System fails again.

Locally if feels like people are never put away. I mean let’s face it, with the shooting last week Rocky is REALLY turning into the ghetto. I was driving down
Musgrave Street
last week and there was a kid on a pushbike playing with a handgun. Mr Man made me slow down so that he could have a better look and the kid was loading the cartridge. Then I heard that there was a gun case broken into and around 150 fire arms were stolen. That is 150 guns, on our streets, around our children, distributed amongst the criminally minded. That is scary!!!

But let’s let you be the judge! There is a guy and within a month he was caught driving over the limit, he smashed the windows of a local hotel and was tazered by police twice for not following direction. Police were notified to the latest incident by one of his children who said that their father had been drinking and was getting aggressive and violent to his grandparents. He ran at police a few times and was arrested and locked up. He was just seen by a judge who decided that he didn’t need to be put in jail, despite his history of alcoholism and mental illness, because his 10 year old daughter has been diagnosed with leukemia and being in prison meant he might miss the last of his daughters life. His current offences put him in breach of a previous suspended sentence he was issued for a previous offence and he will have to reappear. So this incident CLEARLY isn’t a one off and he has a history of breaking the law…but it’s okay because his daughter is sick! Now…I’m pretty sure, the normal reaction to news like leukemia is to cry or get sad or angry or be determined to do anything to save her. Not go one a month long bender, break windows, abuse your family, scare your kids and run at police! 6 months immediate suspended sentence and alcohol poisoning. What’s the bet this joker is in the paper again next week.

The system that is meant to be protecting us from violent weirdoes is just putting them straight back on the street. We have them walking down the front of our place all the time, swearing and screaming and telling us to come on the road to fight them…we were washing the car…are you serious?

It just seems like society is out of control and as upstanding citizens we are being punished for being good and well behaved. I know it sounds like I’m crrrraaaazy one sided but there are many circumstances surrounding an incident and there are two sides to every story but, I am calling it as I see it, and I can’t say that I like it!

Lock up your kids, your dogs and yourselves! YOU’RE GROUNDED!

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Keeping Him Interested

You finally snatch the man of your dreams. Everything is awesome and amazing. You have the same sense of humour, your friends love him, and he buys your flowers, takes you to dinner. Things couldn’t be better. Then you move in together and it’s like the honeymoon started all over again and there are candlelit dinners on the floor in the lounge room and notes left for you on the bathroom mirror. Then it slows down, the flowers come on your birthday, dinners on Valentine’s Day, the conversation disappears and you guys aren’t laughing as much as you used to. Then you notice that he is spending an awful lot of time with his friends and date night hasn’t happened in 2 years. Is it your fault?
Nope, it isn’t. Men are just like that. They will work as hard as they can to get the woman they want and then they just slack off because, let’s face it, he got you know, and you aren’t going to leave because you know how good he CAN be, and you don’t want anyone else to have him. This is such a cliché topic, Google it, see how many million pages of results come up. But I guess I’m here to give you an ordinary plain girl’s perspective on relationships and how to make sure they don’t disappear like that bit of chocolate you have hidden in the fridge behind the jars.
If you are to believe magazines like cosmos, to keep him interested in you sexually you need to say his name, get his keys out of his pocket, don’t talk to him and dye your hair. That sounds like a normal drunken fight with Mr Man! “Man what are you doooooiiinnnggg, nope if you are going over there then I am going home…seriously….nup…GIVE ME THE KEYS…oh god I’m bleaching my hair and moving to Africa – Goes home and doesn’t talk to him for a few hours - I’m soooorrrryyyy baby” it’s pretty much the stupidest thing that I have ever read in my whole life.
I guess, if you are going to start somewhere, it will be what do men want with women. They want someone who will clean the house, cook them dinner, wash their clothes, be independent and have lots of sex. Basically, that’s what we would be led to believe. That’s the general assumption about men isn’t it? I think they need Validation. He needs to know that you are proud of him, he needs validation every day that he is doing a good job. Try it…go up to him give him a kiss and say “have I told you how proud I am of you today?” The smile you will get will be large…or you will get “what are you sucking up for” Deep down he loved it!
Every relationship needs work, you can’t just go into it and let fate run its course otherwise you will end up breaking up. There will be highs and there will be lows but the measure of your strength is how you come through at the other end. I find that it’s always the little things that make a difference. Making his favourite cupcakes for him to take to work. Buying that Play station game that he has been talking about for ages. Buying him a present with a card listing all the reasons why you love him. Suggest for him to go fishing with a mate that he hasn’t seen for ages. Making his favourite dinner for him during a week he has been sooking for work. Planning a surprise weekend away to somewhere he has wanted to go but has never been. All of these things have worked for me in the past.
I went into this thinking it would be a really easy topic to cover, considering the assumption that there is out there about what men want. Sex and food. I feel like they want more than that. So I wrote a list, of things that I think a man would want, if he was going to be with a female long term. Then I put it to Mr Man, and he agreed with me, and asked a few of his mates and they also agreed with me, ladies, I think I might have it!
Be Attentive and Enthusiastic – (This is more for the start of the relationship) Gain his trust, build his confidence. Show genuine appreciation for what he has to offer. Laugh at his jokes (what’s love without a sense of humour)
Be warm and inviting, but keep your distance – Show him that you are interested then let him chase you, but don’t him chase you forever, he will get bored. Be forward on occasions and don’t act so precious. Chase him back, make him KNOW that you are interested, but only after he has put a little bit of effort in first.
When a Problem comes up, Act Positive – This is imperative! I found that I HAVE to be the person who always looks on the bright side, who sees the positives in every situation. You have to be the one to pick him up when things are looking down and find the good in everything. This is really attractive; it shows that you have a bright and happy personality, and who doesn’t want to be that bubbly person!
Keep him Wanting More – Don’t give it all away at once! You want him to be interested in who you are and be thinking about you when you aren’t around.
You need to start the relationship slowly. Don’t jump straight in; move straight in, that’s when problems happen because you are discovering each other’s imperfections way too early. If you take your time and go slowly you will discover these things as you go. His ability to leave catalogues ALL over the house. The fact that he can never put his socks in the washing basket. His belief that every liquid has to have its own cup. Little things like that can be ironed out in time but if thrown into a relationship and discovered to early, little things like that can end the relationship.
It goes without saying that you need to have common interests, otherwise what would you do on the weekends! Responsibilities might fall under that as well, where you might have an obsession with eating a Big Mac layer by layer and he might like to put sweet and sour sauce on his cheeseburgers. Its two completely different things but the fact is, you both eat Maccas like r-tards, and you are probably meant to be together! If you are lucky you will find someone that will share the housework if you share the mowing. Or that will ask you to come fishing so that you can relax and read a book. It’s working together and finding time for each other that is the key. Why not decide as a couple that you are going to go hiking once a month, and you are going to try somewhere different every time. Or that every weekend you are going to find a different walk, near your local beaches and parks, make a day of it, find somewhere secluded and have a picnic, it makes the walk worthwhile. I have a friend that took her boyfriend for a walk up a mountain, where there is no walking track, scaled it like monkeys and when they got up the top, sweaty and exhausted and red faced, he proposed to her, she had never been more beautiful that in that moment. The view is always better from the top; just have to make the effort to get up there.
Be natural and go with the flow. Don’t feel like you have to control everything and don’t play mind games, they aren’t fun. Be straightforward and honest. Develop a system where you are able to talk to each other about things that are annoying you. If me slacking off on the house work is annoying you…tell when it’s annoying you…not 6 months later when you get drunk and decide to cry about how bad everything is. If you have a list of things to get mad about that means that you aren’t being honest as it is happening and you are getting ammo. This is a deal breaker. Your relationship will be over after the first fight because it will be so tense and over the top someone will crack and call it quits. It’s very hard to come back from a situation like that! So don’t get cranky and bottle it up over time. Ask nicely and you will find that you will get a much nicer response.
Naughty weekends away are my favourite thing to do when I feel like we are getting stuck back into our routine and aren’t really laughing much. I book in holidays and I book a motel room somewhere he hasn’t been and we will leave on the Friday and come back on the Monday. Its 2 days off work and we come back, tired, but our relationship is refreshed and we have new stories and experiences. We try and do it every 6 months, and you don’t even have to go that far, resort near home? Go there for the weekend. Spas and cocktails save EVERYTHING! Or, book a motel in town with a spa and don’t say anything to him. Go over there and check in as soon as you can and set up the room how you want it, flower on the bed, candles, want to theme it up, do it. Turn the room into YOUR fantasy…and take a bag over there with clothes for the next day and anything else you may need (anyone say body chocolate?) Go home, tell him you have a surprise for him and tell him to put the blindfold on, put him in the car, drive around for like 30 min alternating direction and finding a road or a turnaround to resemble a highway (I did Rockhampton-Yeppoon-Emu Park-Rockhampton) get him out, take him up, take off your coat or whatever is covering your costume, stand in front of him, take the blindfold off, then let the magic happen. It’s a winner, EVERY time!
I know some of you will be saying “I’m not confident with that, I don’t like how I look blah blah blah” your man is with you because he likes you, the way you look, the way you talk, your sense of humour. He finds you sexy, whether you feel sexy or not is another issue all together but HE thinks you’re sexy. You could be in front of him covered in toilet paper and he would STILL think you’re sexy. I get into trouble ALL the time for my complaints about everything. My legs are fat, I have tuckshop arms, and my lips are too small. In return I get told that it doesn’t matter what I look like because I’m sexy to him. That makes me feel a little bit special.
When its love the little stuff doesn’t matter, it’s just important that you don’t get complacent. If you want it to last you keep working at it. You surprise him at every opportunity and make him feel just as special as he makes you feel. Get the butterflies back that were there at the start. Send cute little text messages, like he used to send you.  There are so many things that you can do, to keep him interested, but you have to make sure that you are worth being interested in. Keep being interesting. Because without that, you really have nothing left.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Truly Madly Deeply

I’m about to make an admission that might make, or break the way that you will think about me as a person, and it’s very hard for me to say. Once upon a time, I was in LOVE with Savage Garden. Their music spoke to me in ways I could never express by myself. I saw them live and they were amazing. When I was in my early teens and I was depressed or overwhelmed, I would listen to their music and cry, and 100% relate to what they were saying in their songs.
So when they broke up, I was a little bit upset, and it made me start to think about what happens to the people in Bands or Group when they broke up. In the situation of Savage Garden, Darren Hayes and Daniel Johns they have had varied levels of success. Darren has gone on as a solo artist and song writer, working predominately in the UK. He seems to be having a little bit more success in the UK rather that his home of Australia which is probably why he relocated over there. He has proved that his song writing ability hasn’t wavered and I am still a huge fan of the way that his music soothes me and makes me feel instantly better. Daniel on the other hand stepped out of the spotlight and launched his own Production Company here in Australia where he works with young Aussie Musos.
My question is...not motivated by their success or what they have done since, but what made them decide to split in the first place? Why do MANY great Aussie bands decide to step out of the lime light and split up?
In the case of Savage Garden it seems that Hayes had an urge and desire to expand his career and took on the main face of the duo, promoting the albums in the UK and America while Jones stayed home in Australia. It was Hayes to announced the break up off record in an interview with an Australian journalist, when Jones caught wind of it he shrugged it off as another rumour before later confirming further rumours that he was leaving the duo. Hayes was later quoted saying that the group would never by any chance reunite. He is however still an incredible song writer and his music still speak to me in ways that no one else’s does.
Powderfinger are another iconic Australian band that has recently disbanded, although they claim that it was because they had said all it was that they needed to say with their music thus far. Quote: “We have always maintained that the important factor for us as a group is that our music remains relevant and that we continue to have fresh ideas that inform our new songs. With the completion of our last album, Golden Rule, we feel that we have said all that we want to say as a musical group.
We firmly believe that it is our most complete and satisfying album and can't think of a better way to farewell our fans than with music that we believe in an also with, hopefully, our best tour to date.”
How is it decided that you are no longer relevant, and what is this saying to young Australian bands desperate to make it to the big time. You look at a band like Disturbed and all their success, how long they have been making music for and how relevant they continue to be....and I can’t help but think that this is just a huge cop out. As you age your tastes change and your music will slightly change to reflect that. The best Australian Bands have to look forward to , is to be a slightly exaggerated national success, if they are really lucky they will break the UK market and be able to cater to that audience as well (they love us!). Then hopefully not fizzle out after a few years and continue to have great success.
I really admire people that decide that Music is what they want to do for their lives and they work towards it forever. I really wish I had of followed my dreams of being an actress and a writer, but I really know that it probably wasn’t something I would be able to accomplish, or do for a lifetime. I really needed something sustainable. But I really do wish I had the determination that they did, the drive so succeed and do it the way that they dreamed of and that they wanted to. Makes me proud of the Australian Spirit,
Whatever happened to bands like ACDC, who play and sell out shows and make the same music for their whole career? Those lads were rocking on into their 60's before they disbanded and gave up. Are the Australian bands of today getting soft and complacent? I don’t think so. I mean I know some local bands that go hell for leather at every gig and give it everything they have got. They have had local, state and a little national success, but if I told you their name you would probably have no idea what we are talking about. We need the big and successful Aussie bands to come and MENTOR these up and coming ones. Give them advice on how they succeed and what to do when you get there to continue to make amazing music. How to keep inspiring people with your words and moving people with the determination. So maybe Daniel Jones is onto something..maybe that’s what we need. We can’t continue to think that someone if going to come to your show, who runs a label and signs you up straight away. This rarely happens. All your success has to be made, by YOU!
But I guess relationships change, and people change and sometimes a break up is inevitable, be it because of an artistic difference or a personal difference. Maybe some people, some bands are just better off apart. I still don't like saying goodbye to a duo that wrote music which understood me so well, that I grew with, but ce’la vi...what will be will be...
I’ll find someone else that will take their place, someone younger and more determined!

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Whisper in my Ear

We all have a friend that we are able to talk to about anything. They listen to us cry when the world is so heavy we feel like we are going to collapse. They celebrate with us when something amazing happens and they listen to us talk about things that we can never tell anyone else in the world. We love spending time with them and you don’t really appreciate the weight that they hold on their shoulders because of your secrets. What happens if there is a big fight and your secrets are released?

It is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person and it’s very hard to come back from something like that. Depending on the severity of the secret you can potentially lose everything, or the person you love, or your job. The consequences are endless; still there is nothing that we can do about it. Once the secret has passed your lips and traveled to the ears of someone else, the information is pretty hard to keep contained.

We don’t specifically head out trying to find someone to tell these secrets too…sometimes it’s the first person you talk to, because you’re so excited you just can’t hold it in anymore. Sometimes you think about it for a while, judging how your friends would react to the news and chose the one best selected for the information. Sometimes it’s about one friend from another friend…and you play gossip or instigator. You just have to be sure that the person you are telling these things to can handle and appreciate the weight of the information.

Having someone tell your secret is a breach of trust and depending on the weight of the secret you might not ever be able to come back from it. You will sit around wondering why, what did I do, I wish I didn’t say anything. But there is really nothing that you can do but hope and pray that the person holding your personal information doesn’t chose to share it with anyone. I have secrets, and I share them with a small group of friends, ones that I know will probably say something, ones that I know will tell me what I want to hear and ones that will hold it close to their heart and guide me through the problem.

But what have you done to make a trusted friend reveal your darkest secret? In some cases you might have said something to them that they didn’t like or appreciate. In others you might have revealed some information to someone else that will change their perspective of them. In other cases you might have put the interest of someone else over theirs. In any case you have thought about them second and not first.

Maybe you thought that you were doing the right thing and that the information you released was helping someone else through a stage in their life. In any case you probably shouldn’t have released the information at all, and as that person is holding a secret for you, maybe this should have been held for them. It’s a sticky situation and I guess no matter what you do, someone is going to get hurt. If your trust is breached it will be you, if their trust is breached it will be them, if you don’t release information it will be the other person. Either way you are going to do something to hurt someone.

Once its out it can never be taken back, the hurt is there, the betrayal is there, the relationship is no longer easy going and the carefree attitude you once had will be gone forever. The way that we handle these situations is imperative. The things that we say matter. Our actions count. Everyone has been in this situation once or twice.

The key here is, don’t have secrets. If you have done something wrong you should tell the person that you love. If you are hiding something from your employer then you should come clean. If you have heard someone say something about a friend you should call them on it and not let it sit. But that would be a perfect world, and that is not what we live in. Impulse control is what we need. To stop the need to whisper that information into someone’s ear. That way you can be loyal to who you want to be without the fear of repercussions or heartbreak.

They will have a place in your heart forever, and the photos on the wall will remain. The testament of your relationship is the reconciliation and the ability to move past it. Friends will always be family; they will always be there to support and love you. As long as you don’t forget it, and they don’t forget it, you can whisper in their ear as much as you want, without worrying about retaliation. Isn’t that one of the most important parts about being a friend, being able to trust them? Because without trust, you really have nothing left.

Swinging in The Breeze

I have become complacent with life. Too often I just do what I’m told because the effort it takes to disagree is just not worth it. But on the other hand if something is going on that I really truly disagree with, I will make sure that my opinion is heard!
I’m sure that my friends sometimes just agree with me because fighting with me is just not worth it. I get in trouble a lot because I tell them how I feel, not in a mean way, but I think they just feel like I am disrespecting them, but that is not what I am trying to do at all. Most of the time I am just trying to give them some advice on a situation they are in or on something that is going on in their life. Maybe they are just shocked that I said something but I’m pretty sure that is what friendship is about, being honest and trying to help your friends whenever you can.
Recently a lot of people I know are taking the steps that they need to really make a difference in their lives. Whether it is moving, or taking on a whole new career or even just taking on a relationship with someone completely new. It’s really made me think about why people become so complacent with life when they are clearly unhappy with their situation. I get annoyed at people who sook and whinge about how horrible their life is and how they wish things would change for them. But if you aren’t ready to take the necessary steps to change the things that you don't like in your life, do you really expect the people that love you to just sit around and listen to you complain about it and how horrible it is?
Because I won’t, I won’t sit there and listen to you. I will help you 120%, in ANY way I can to change the direction your life is going. I will support you in the changes you will make. I will support you when your endeavours don't succeed, ill be there to help you pick up the pieces and start again, and I will be there with you to celebrate when you succeed.
Don't settle for what life has given you because it’s easy or convenient. There are many people out there who don't have what we have here in Australia. There are people with no running water, no sewerage systems, who don't get to eat every day, who don't have the limbs to exercise, who are born with disabilities, who are diagnosed with a life threatening disease. There are so many people who would kill to be given the skills and the opportunity to have the life that we have. To have one more day with their family, or have an education.
I make this my solemn promise: I will not become complacent with my situation. If there is something about my life that I am unhappy with, I will change it. If I am given an opportunity to grow as a person, I will take it. I will smile or say hello to anyone who makes eye contact with me. I will tell my family that I love them at every opportunity. I will thank everyone for the work they do that day. I will be kind to every Sales Assistant I come across. I will not sook about my money situation or bills anymore.
I want you all to make a promise to me as well. That you will no longer be complacent, that you will no longer just swing in the breeze. Make a promise to yourself, something that you want to change, something that you want to do differently...and make positive steps to change it. You can start small something as simple as being nicer to people every day, or making an effort to work towards training to help you excel in your career.
If you don't live life to the fullest capacity and do everything in your power to grow and develop as a person then you are letting yourself down
A life half lived is a life wasted!

I Must, I Must, I Must Increase My Bust!

My man, is a boob man, plain and simple. I asked him what made him notice me, when we first started going out, and he said “your boobs, all we used to talk about at lunch when you walked past was how big they are” Any chance he has to look at a rack, he will. Any woman that walks past with a nice rack, he will tell me about. I have a fair few friends who are in love with theirs to. Flashing cars, taking photos of them at every opportunity (you know who you are!) or complaining that they are too small.
Then we see these women on TV, in Magazines, in adult movies, with these insanely big, unnatural crazy boobs. We were all born differently, some big, some small, some barely there, some hanging to the knees and I can understand some people need for enhancement. I really can. But I cant say that I really enjoy looking at a fake rack. If they are done properly I can appreciate the human ability to engineer a perfect set of boobs...but then there are the ones that don't move and that people cant feel...i just don't understand it.
But being the owners of these much desired body part definitely have its downsides. Currently 36 women in Australia are diagnosed with breast cancer every day. It is also the most common form of cancer among women, accounting for 28% of all cancer diagnosed in Australia in 2006. It is also projected that by 2015 in Australia, the number of new breast cancer cased among women is estimated to be approximately 15 409 for that year. In 2006, the number of women that died from this horrible disease was 2, 618. But its not just women that suffer from the disease with 25 males also dying from this disease in the same year, however males tend to have poorer outcomes due to delays in diagnosis. The world wide mortality rate was a staggering with 458, 503 deaths. Its just heart breaking.
We all know someone who has been affected by it. There have been a few people in my life that have been hit with breast cancer, a few of my work colleagues, a few family friends and my mum’s best  friend. Its always hard to find out that someone is suffering from this illness, but it is also inspirational to see the change in that person, almost instantly. Immediately the little stuff doesn’t matter anymore, all that matters is getting better and then its living life to the fullest every day. Someone wise once told me that its always a struggle to stop the disease from defining who you are, but you cant let your guard down and you cant get scared, you have to look it in the face and take it on with every breath and every bit of life that you have to pull through on the other side unscathed.
I did a little bit of research for this blog because I felt that I owed it to all the inspirational people that are either going through treatment, or surviving, or the people that are looking down on us with love. I was interested to find that smoking increases your risk of breast cancer, with the greater the amount of smoking and the earlier in life that the smoking begins, the higher the risk. I also read that not having children  or not being able to have children and undergoing hormone therapy can also heighten the chance of being diagnosed.
There isn’t really anything that will prevent  you from getting it, but there are things you can do to lessen the chance of it happening to you. Your risk of being diagnosed can be lessened by exercising, maintaining a healthy weight, drinking less alchocol, quitting smoking, living a physically active life, and breast feeding your children. Sounds pretty simple. But what about the people where their is a genetic risk of contraction? Early detection will always be your greatest prevention device. The earlier it is caught, the earlier is can be fixed.
I don't claim to be a doctor and im not telling you what to do, all of the information that I have put into this can be found through a google search. But I want you all to start thinking about it...the consequences, the stories, the journeys, the organizations fundraising year round for important research and programs to help sufferers.
One of the options with diagnosis is getting them both cut off, effectively removing all breast tissue and reducing the risk of it returning. Although, it wont necessarily stop you from getting cancer in another part of your body. I have a very close personal friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer a little bit before christmas. In our department at work we had another lady diagnosed a week before so it was a bit of a shock to us. She had the breast the cancer was in removed to be sure that they got all of it. She then went through chemotherapy but the treatment wasnt as long as some because they managed to find it early. The treatment was still long and hard, and her spirit through the whole thing was so inspirational. Her desire to be active in life again, and her positive view on everything made me really rethink the way I was dealing with things in my own life. It didnt seam as bad knowing that she was going through what she was.

She then elected to have reconstructive surgery, so that she could feel complete again, and be more comfortable with her body and herself. The way they did this was to make a casing out of muscles in her back for the implant, which sounds insanely painful. This was done initially only to find out that because of the scar tissue over where her breast was removed, the implant that she elected to have would not fit. There were a few complications in surgery which resulted in having to go under twice, infection, drains in her back, longer off work and ending up with one boob bigger than the other. That was about 6 months ago and she recently told me that the doctors have given her the all clear (and she has decided to) undergo further surgery to even out her boobs..for her confidence. She feels that she hasnt really been able to be herself and has been dressing differently and acting differently so that people dont notice. But i love her and i highly value her vision of the world and her confidence. She is an amazing influence and inspiration in my life and is deffinately a mother figure to me. Im not too sure what i would do without her advice.

I was also really close to my mums friend. She was positive and bubbly and and amazing woman. She would light up a room when she walked into it and make everyone feel comfortable. She was diagnosed, and fought, and survived breast cancer. It changed her. Made her live every day to the fullest. She lived for her friends and her family. She was a survivor! She got very close to the 5 year anniversary of her cancer clear when she started slowing down a little bit, doing things and not remembering. Her family finally convinced her to get a scan. She was diagnosed with brain cancer, was sent immediatly to Brisbane for treatment. A quick deterioration meant that we had lost her within the week. It was devistating. She was young and vibrant and beautiful. The world is a sadder place without her. But her legacy lives on with the community groups she voulenteered with and her family that bring nothing but hope and happiness into your lives. Cancer will always touch someone that you love, it might change them, it might take them away, but they will always live on through you, in your day to day life, in your actions. They teach you that life is a gift that is worth living with every inch of your being. You need to give it everything that you have at every opportunity to make it count. I will never forget her.

So with natural chest beauty comes the possibility of illness. With engineered chest beauty comes the possibility of pain, scarring, complications, dodgy surgery, infection. In this instance im not talking about the ladies that opt for a double mastectomy and then chose to have a reconstruction to feel comfortable with themselves and their bodys, or the girls who are less than an A cup and feel that they need this to live a normal life. Nor am i saying that I disagree with implants completely. I just feel as though society has created this ideal for women and if we don't have these gigantic, firm, perfectly sitting boobs then we are less than perfect.
When I first got with Mr Man I was VERY concerned about him seeing me without a bra on. You see with boobs as big as mine, and refusing to support them initially means that I have a subsequent sagging situation, and while it doesn’t mean that they are at my knees, or my bellybutton, they deffinately aren’t sitting where I would like them to be. He assures me that they are perfect  but that didn’t stop my insecurities about the topic.
Its a tricky one, I mean they are MEANT to come in all different sizes, but I was conditioned to believe that bigger and perky was better, when infact it didn’t really matter at all. Makes me cranky that I was hung up for so long on something that really didn’t mean all that much in the long run.
I have talked about, a million different things, all in a huge massive gigantic blur, but I guess I just wanted to say that, we aren’t perfect, no one, no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise, is perfect. I keep saying that we were made difference, and we were. One boob is bigger then the other, and did you know...that it has been scientifically proven, that no two NATURAL breast are exactly the same...on your body and in relation to everyone else in the world. My boobs...are not the same as ANYONE elses, no one else was born with the genes to make boobs like mine. That makes me a little bit happy and a little bit more confident. They cant be compared to the tv boobs, or the magazine boobs, or the surgically enhanced boobs. They are mine...and I am proud of them and I want to be sure that nothing happens to them that will affect my way of life.
So I will manually check them every week and I will get advice on when to start getting them checked by a professional. You might laugh at that but in all the stuff I have been looking at it has been saying that the general age of patience is getting younger and younger. Also keeping in mind that I recently found out that a girl that I went to school with who was a couple of years below me, was recently diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. So before you say “it cant happen to me” do the research, look at the statistics, go to the websites and read the stories.
Make the changes now that will save your life later. EMBRACE your boobs and be proud of them, but make sure you check them so that you will be around to see them touch your knees!! ( . ) ( . )

Monday, 20 June 2011

Waiting For Forever

We are taught from a young age that fairy tales are real...and that with great adversity and tribulation comes a knight in shining armour to save the day. That will take you away from the mundane life and treat you like the princess that you are. So we grow up expecting it, wanting it and having a crazy high expectation of courtship. Life isn’t always like that. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and smooth roads. We all have to meet at least ONE person that destroys our heart and makes us lose all faith in the opposite sex. Like we are waiting for forever for the one to come along and save us from ourselves.
I just wanted to tell you the story of how my man and I came to be. It’s not really a funny story, or an interesting one, but one I have been wanting to document for quite a while and never really had the mental capacity to think about the events before. Nor did I really want to be reminded of my past. But here it goes!
I was 19 and was very much in the ‘party and have fun’ part of my life where alcohol and friends were more important than just about anything else in the world. Whilst ‘Lapping’ one night (yes I am aware that lapping is for Fags and that to drive around in circles for hours is a waste of time and pointless – I was young!) my best friend and I started being followed around by this ute...the passenger was pretty cute, the driver wasn’t really anything I’d look twice at. Long story short they approached us and the passenger asked for my number (which didn’t really happen to me often when I was with this friend – she was, IS, smoking!) and I gave it to him without question.
He started texting me straight away and after a meeting down the beach one night we started seeing each other a fair bit. Within 4 months we were living together. It was my first big love, first grown up relationship and it was great to start with. We got on well, had similar things in common, I got on with his family, him NOT so much with mine. Within a year we were engaged...and that’s when things started to turn around. We started to fight a lot...which was mainly through my inability to deal with adult situations, which must have been frustrating for someone of his age (he would have been 26 at the time) and his inability to accept my family or my friends. He had this habit of texting ALL the time, if I asked who it was, he would just tell me it was one of his mates, but if I had to use his phone for anything he would always be watching me to make sure I wasn’t looking at what I shouldn’t be. But then he would go through mine and read everything and get mad at me for things that were in there, before knowing the full story. I wasn’t innocent in all of this, I lied when he tried to stop me from seeing some people so I would lie about where I was going, I also had to change the name of some people in my phone so that he wouldn’t know who I was talking to. He was a little bit controlling, but with some of my lies, I definitely gave him a reason not to trust me. There was always something about him that was a bit off as well. Within the next year I had moved into a unit and we were trying to “start again”
This is when I met my current man! We worked at the same place and we had a fair bit of chemistry and used to flirt a lot. He was funny and interested in what I had to say, asked me questions about my life and what I liked and he was just genuinely sweet...but because I was still dating Man A nothing could happen with Man B, and nothing ever did. We just used to hang out and stuff but we both kind of knew that there was something else there and that we were a little bit more special to each other then we would admit.
Man A used to drive past my Unit and look for my car and if it wasn’t there then he would ring me and accuse me of sleeping around and being a whore and would be genuinely horrible to me and it would make me cry and just feel crappy about my life. My relationship with Man B became a little bit closer and he pretty much told me that he was into me and wanted me to be just his and then he kissed me and...My world fell to pieces...I felt it...he felt was just this instant feeling that we belong together. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Then as I was about to go home he told me that I had to chose. I couldn’t be with Man A and Man B at the same time because it wasn’t fair on him. Which I could I went home and had one very sleepless night trying to decide what I wanted to do.
I woke up the next day and acted like everything was okay. I didn’t do anything differently and when I took Man B home that afternoon...that’s when I told him...that Man A and I had history and it would be horrible to throw it all away when I feel like id be able to make it work. was an emotionally abusive relationship. I kind of always made to feel like I didn’t equal up and that everything that happened was my fault and I had got so used to it that it was normal for me to apologise and believe that everything was my fault. But the good...the 5% of our relationship was so good that I just wasn’t ready to let go of what we had. It’s weird how that happens...someone can treat you like complete shit for the duration of the relationship and you will stay with them because when its’s just so damn good that you couldn’t imagine being anywhere else in the world.
Obviously with telling Man B about what happened things weren’t really that great at work anymore. His group of friends were pretty mean to me and didn’t really make my life easy in the workplace and rumours about me soon started spreading around. They got bigger and more extravagant and I just couldn’t take it anymore so I left and found a job at the pub. My relationship with Man A didn’t really get any better, he was being really secretive and wasn’t really around too much anymore. He didn’t reply to my phone calls but he would still drive past my unit to see if I was home and abuse me if I wasn’t.
I was at the pub for a little while and became friends with one of the other girls, we talked a lot about life and relationships and we became pretty close. WE had the same lunch break one day and we were sitting outside and I was telling her about my man and what he did and how we were working on things and stuff when she asked me what his name was, so I told her. Then she asked me what kind of car he drove, so I told her. She then proceeded to tell me his address. I was a little confused and asked her what was going on. She then told me that her sister had been seeing him for the past few months. I didn’t believe her to start with and sent him a message asking him who she was...and he said he had never heard her name before and I believed him. So I went back to work, finished my shift and checked my phone. There were several messages from her sister telling me about the times that he had said he was fishing and come and seen her and when he told me he was going camping and he took her to Keppel and the time that he was on the phone accusing me of sleeping around while she was at his house...and he told her to run if I come over.
My world fell apart...I called him to ask about it all and he denied it for a while...but after 5 hours the truth come out...and the fighting begun. The reasons were endless and the fighting was nasty...the breakup took about 5 days to be fully over and emotions were insanely high. The first and only person that I called and wanted to talk to was Man B. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that it was okay and that it would all work out, but he had since moved on and got a girlfriend and after my first crying phone call to him I realised that she was threatened by me and didn’t want me talking to him anymore, which was okay by me. So I turned to my friends and I got through it.
I just want to clarify that I am not blameless in all this...I did cheat on him...once...with someone wasn’t Man B...and despite how many times he tried to tell me that I was sleeping with Man B for months it simply isn’t true...not at all. But the fighting got petty and he put the whole break up and relationship meltdown to my lack of drive in the bedroom. He said when we first hooked up it was awesome and intense and after about 12 months I got lazy...which wasn’t true...i was just looking for more of an emotional connection rather then a sexual one.
After emerging from my depressed coma like state I realised that I didn’t have a job, or a boyfriend...I was 21 and by myself for the first time since I was 19 and it was awesome. I had a friend move in to my unit with me to help me pay the rent and I just let things happen as they happened. I was offered my previous job back (the one I left because of being uncomfortable around Man B) and although his friends were still giving me hell about what had happened...after a week or so Man B really warmed up to me and was the shoulder to cry on and the person to talk to that I had wanted originally. It was awesome to have someone to talk to. We started hanging out a bit more and he started visiting me at home a lot more and it wasn’t long until we were an item.
The fighting, moving, breakup, reunion saga went on all within 6 months and that was four years ago. Man B and myself have been together ever since and we will be getting married next year.
I guess the reason that I wanted to tell people this is to let them know that you have to go into a relationship with the real you; you can’t be what they want you to be and then change halfway through. Don't rush in to something that is going to be full time and full on and something that you aren’t mentally ready for. It’s a big undertaking and it’s not just you that you are looking out for anymore.
If ii had of followed my heart in the first place and not my head I might not have gone through the 6 months of pain that I did, but I also wouldn’t have learned what it takes to make a relationship work or how to be a grown up, or be responsible for my actions. I also wouldn’t have got my friends back, the ones that I lost because he didn’t approve of them, or the ones that I made because of what he did. Man B dislikes Man A a lot...we are still paying off and cleaning up a lot of the financial stuff that I was left with (young, stupid and willing to please meant ALOT was in my name) and he was with me many times and heard the things that he said to me and seen the messages and they way that he spoke to me. I can completely understand his detest for him because I kind of feel the same way about him.
But I refuse to live my life with regrets. I am of the strong belief that if you didn’t go through the things that you do then you don't learn the lesson that that incident had to offer. I might have done things differently but I wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I have never been this happy or confident or content. I feel that I have really grown as a person with Man B and he really supports me in EVERYTHING that I do. I only with that everyone would know what it feels like to be as happy as I am when I’m in his arms. When he kisses me before I be honest I still get Goosebumps when he kisses me and butterflies when he holds my hand. He is my everything and I would be nothing without him.
You have to look at the relationship that you are currently in and decide whats best for you. If the relationship is bad, then you need to get out. If it brings out the worst in you , and you have lost sight of the person that you used to be, you need to get out. If you are walking through the house and it feels like you don't even know each other anymore, get out. If he continues to hurt you and deceive you and you keep forgiving him, get out. If you let him hurt you over and over again, get out. If he starts getting funny about letting you see your friends, or asks you to chose between him and your family, get out. If he ever calls, accuses or insinuates that you are a slut, get out. If he makes you feel as though you aren’t worthy of your time, get out. Don't kid yourself thinking that he will change or that if you change things will be different, they never will be. Its emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, no matter how you look at it, its wrong and you don't have to put up with it!
If you decide that you still want to say...then it falls back on you...if you want to put up with it and keep getting hurt then you aren’t learning and you won’t get anything from the lesson that life is trying to teach you.
There is a light at the end of every tunnel...and after I went through everything I went through...and I cried as many tears as I knight in shining armour came and rescued me and carried me off into the sunset...and you know what...I will never look back!

Sunday, 19 June 2011

The Snakes and Ladders of Friendship

What has been said can never be unsaid. That is the beautiful thing about speech, it comes out of our mouths, in the heat of the moment, after being thought about for a while, in general conversation and it can never be taken back. The memory of it will always remain. If the other person receives the information as offensive or insensitive, you can’t back track and take it away. It’s even worse if you don't think that you are wrong.
This has happened to me, recently, and I’m still in two minds on how to feel about the situation. Initially, before the conversation, I was calm and collected, and then the first thing was said. Then the next, then next. During the conversation I was concerned that I may have been crossing the line, so I checked with my man, as well as my housemate and they both said that they wouldn’t see it as offensive. Then the reply comes back that I was rude and not thinking about the current situation, but I kept going. Afterwards I felt confident that we had come to some kind of conclusion and that everything was going to be okay.
This was not the case at all, with our friendship suffering and me realising a little too late that I had crossed the line and a friendship, which was very important to me, was hanging in the balance. I analysed the conversation from many angles, trying to find the point where enough would have been enough, and I just couldn’t see it, not completely. However, I was able to find a reason for my position on the situation. An apology was said and met with no response; a public declaration was made which was also met with no response. This resulted in a large emotional breakdown on my behalf and confirmation that the friendship was probably over.
I realise that to anyone that doesn’t personally know what happened on that day, that this whole blog would be a little bit confusing but I guess what I am talking about is, saying something to someone that you believe in, and them not receiving it in the way that you thought they would. Then it blows completely out of the water. I’m not sure what to do to fix it either. This person has been a very close friend of mine for a long time and while he has helped me sort out my head and been a pillar of support for me mentally, I have been there for him more in the past 12 months than I have for anyone else, including my man.
So when does history become a nothing? We have all had a friend that we have been really close with and then there has been one gigantic and massive event that has meant that the friendship is over. So what happens to the memories or the hole that is left? The memories will always remain, and in your head you will run the whole thing over to see what you could have done differently, to change the outcome and make things better.
In this instance, if I hadn’t of said what I did, I would still have the friendship, but the dynamics would never be the same because deep down I would be disappointed that I didn’t say what I needed to say. It’s sticky sometimes and I guess it’s a fine line between being honest and destroying someone’s mindset. I still don't regret what I said, but guess I regret the way I said it. I’m sure there would have been many other ways to explain how I felt about the situation.
I’ve noticed when you are having a down in one friendship; it is highly likely that you will be having a high in another. Humans have an amazing sense for emotion, in most situations. I’ve found that when there are problems with one friendship, I will turn to another friend to talk about the situation and then that friendship will usually blossom or get a little bit more intense. I’m sure that this is because of the emotion that is brought to the relationship and the nurturing the other person shows to you in your time of need and your quest for support. But that’s the great thing about Friendship, it’s there when your life starts to fall apart, to guide you, and support you, and in the situation that I am currently in, while one friendship was falling apart, I discovered that one that was in front of me the whole time, was a lot stronger then I could have ever imagined
Regardless of all of this I still hope for reconciliation, although in light of some information I received today I really don't think that is going to happen. Which puts me into mourning again. It’s like losing a part of you, a part of your personality, and a part of your heart. I’m not ready to lose a friendship that would have been life long, regardless of the distance. So the next question is...what’s the next move?
There is so much grovelling that someone can do before you have to call it quits. We have all had that one relationship, where a break up happen and the victim has come back “if I do this, if I do that, I’ll do whatever it takes, but I love you” when it’s over its over, plain and simple. Well, plain and simple in the way of romantic relationships but I think friendships have a completely different dynamic. The whole idea of a friendship is to be honest, supportive and a nutshell that is what we do. We talk to them when they are sad, give them advice when they tell us to, hold them while they cry, pick up the pieces when love fails, love their children, answer the 3am phone calls. We all know what it’s like, we have all been there. I have and would still do all of that, I still DO all of that for all of my friends. I don't discriminate; it’s the same for everyone.
Maybe time will fix it? It’s entirely possible, but as human beings, when something goes missing and leaves a space in your heart, you will eventually fill it with something else, which is probably what will happen. I just don't think I’m ready to let go of the memories, especially when the wound is so fresh.
Since the incident, I have looked back and can understand where he was coming from, but it still doesn’t change how I feel and the fact that it feels like there is NO understanding being reciprocated is disheartening and a fairly big sign that I should stop wasting time on something that might never ever be fixed. However I am not the kind of person that gives up and I know that no matter how long it takes or what has to happen, we will be friends again.
When I was younger I was the same, if not a little bit more reserved. I lost a few friends because of things that were said to me and my inability and unwillingness to stick up for myself. It was hard. But in time we patched things up, and we talked about where we were in that space in time, and we realized that where we were then and where we are now is a completely different place. These few friends become, and remain, some of my biggest supporters and confidants.
I guess what I would like for you to take from this is that, there are two sides to every story, and behind every comment that hurts your feelings, there is a friend that is concerned about a decision or an action and wants to help you. Think about where they might be coming from and ask them to do the same. Don't make rash decisions but don't deliberately go out to hurt someone. Think hard about what you are going to say and maybe see if there is a nicer way that you are able to say it.
Friendship is an amazing gift and something that everyone should have, but it needs work, from all parties. Please don't let these people go, they are a gift that you should keep as close as you can!